What Are We Gonna Do With All This Trash?: A Better Me

January 02, 2011

A Better Me

I always have difficulty trying to pick just one New Year's resolution. There's just so many things to fix! In any event, I've narrowed this year's list of resolutions to these solid finalists.

Drink more
Speak to my family less
Find out what all the fuss is about crystal meth
Punch a baby
Burn a dictionary in front of a library
Fly a plane into Mount Rushmore
Text a picture of my dick to Brett Favre
Solicit a prostitute -- not for sex, just to become my ballroom dance partner
Discover a scientific formula that proves, once and for all, that Kanye West is a terrible rapper
Listen to more Pere Ubu
Throw a book at an asshole
Build a house for a poor family, then move in with them and become a real nuisance
Start a book club with morons, so I can secretly mock their intelligence and reading comprehension
Stalk a clown
Eat an owl

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A History Of Trash

Trash, at first, was a pretty cool guy. You know, he’d come over with some beers, and you’d hang out and have a couple of laughs. Maybe Trash brought some weed with him, and you guys tried to sync up Dark Side Of The Moon with The Wizard Of Oz until you remembered you lost your VHS copy of that movie sometime in college and that you fucking hate Pink Floyd. Good times were had, nonetheless.

But then, you don’t know what changed, but Trash started to overstay his welcome. He’d just linger for hours, never taking the hint you wanted him to leave, no matter how many times you yawned obnoxiously or mentioned how early you had to get up tomorrow. Trash just didn’t get it. You were getting older. You didn’t have the time anymore to stay up until 3 a.m. to talk about the Port season of “The Wire” or how much you miss Jawbox. Eventually, you just stopped taking Trash’s phone calls and no longer replied to his group e-mails about sneaking into abandoned mental hospitals.

Last time you saw Trash, he was smoking alone outside a local dive bar, looking down at his decaying and mismatched shoes. You hoped he had been doing well. You hoped he had not been hurt by the disintegration of your friendship. And if he had, you wanted to comfort him. You wanted to tell him that even though people move on with their lives, it doesn’t mean they stop caring. You wanted him to see in your eyes a sincere appreciation for the time you shared, because all the relationships in our lives help make us who we are, and even if you weren’t the best of friends anymore, you wanted him to know that there would always be a piece of Trash in your heart.

But instead, you looked away and crossed the street. You were with your new girlfriend, and you really didn’t want to have to explain Trash to her. She’d never understand.