Dick!

I'm not one to anticipate or cheer the death of another human being, but when that person is a war criminal and unrepentant enemy of all things good and true, well... you get my point. I'm just saying that if anyone's soul deserves to spend eternity receiving the very torture he so enthusiastically endorsed for eight years, it's Richard B. Cheney's.

But alas, the very rich of this country can afford the type of health coverage that most cannot. This means that Richard B. Cheney can have five -- count them, FIVE! -- heart attacks and continue on with his life of spreading fear and vitriolic propaganda to any conservative-friendly, top-rated cable news channel that may be interested.

So, to honor the man who apparently doesn't need functioning aortas to live, here are all the jokes about his weak ticker I can think of.

Dick Cheney's heart is so weak, Chris Matthews forgot it was black.

Knock, knock. Who's there? Flatliiiiiiiiiiiiiiiine.

Cheney's arteries aren't clogged with cholesterol; they're clogged with the black tar residue of pure hatred. (Not funny, but true.)

Dick Cheney's heart doesn't have a pace maker. It has it's own MedicAlert necklace. Hey-Oh!

That's all I could think of. Fuck you, Dick Cheney's heart. Why won't you just fail already?

Shutter Island: A Sane and Sober Movie Review

For all of those people who are adamant about not having the slightest spoilers revealed to them, don't worry. I'm not going to reveal any secrets regarding the plotline of Shutter Island......or am I?.....I could just be a CRAZY person who actually has a long, insane history of revealing the plotlines of the movies and tv shows du jour--how the hell would you ever know? Egggggsactly.

So with that introduction, I don't think I've ever walked out of a movie theater not knowing if I actually liked or disliked the film I just saw--but that's exactly how I felt after seeing Shutter Island. It's positive and negative qualities appear to exist in perfect counter-balancing equilibrium, and it is really bothering the shit out of me.

The rational part of me wants to list and organize all of the things I enjoyed about the movie, then present all of the things I did not enjoy--like I would with any movie I watch. But I can't with this movie because my thoughts are so hopelessly jumbled. So bear with me, here are my stream of consciousness, sane-maybe-not-sane takes on my trip to Shutter Island:

--Even though I'm not a huge fan of Scorsese's films, in general, I have to admit the guy does a bang-up job here of creating palpable moods from camera shots, set pieces, weather (wind, rain, and lightning), music, and all of that good stuff. I don't think Scorsese (or anybody) could have done a better job establishing the setting and mood.

--While I find fedoras and suits with overcoats to be super slick and cool, as an online NYT commenter said, "it looks like DiCaprio is wearing his dad's clothes." And ugh, Leo's hair! I wanted to take some clippers and taper up the sides and back--erasing the line of demarcation between the short and long hair.

--The acting is top notch from top to bottom and the dialog is pretty engaging.

--The story is super tense. While I can't say that I totally empathized with any of the characters, I still really wanted to get to the bottom of what was happening.

--Unless I'm watching a war documentary, I find Holocaust atrocity imagery to be pretty heavy-handed and unnecessary--especially since we can't even rely on Teddy Daniel's observations in the movie.

--Ah yes, the elephant in the room--the Unreliable Narrator, FTW! I think Shutter Island is "cheap" and fails in this regard, because even though the 'hints' and foreshadowing aren't at all subtle, the viewer is forced to dismiss them because everybody the crazy person is interacting with is corroborating his insane story as reality!!!--misdirection is one thing, but I feel like this is flat-out dishonest. I mean, this crazy and violent person is out of confinement and allowed to "investigate" the institution while all staff members just play along? The orderlies are cool with bunking next to this insane dude night after night all as part of this game? And the lead doctor at this mental institution is claiming this as part of the treatment? Are you shitting me? Is this like the Montessori method to mental health and rehabilitation? Gotta cry 'bullshit' on this.

--I can't help but think any ending other than "Golly, you mean I've been bat-shit crazy for 2+ years" would have been a better conclusion to this story. I guess it goes to show how important the ending really is...all of that scenery, mood, and acting wasted....gack!


And it really is this last point that has me so flustered about this movie--has the 'unreliable narrator' become so cliché as a plot device that no one can ever salvage it?

Hola de Bolivia!

I'm in Bolivia for two weeks. It's a landlocked Andean country rich in ancestral tradition. For example, as part of some sort of ritual related to the beginning Carnivale, groups of young boys roam the streets with bags of water balloons targeting mostly groups of young girls or passing cars that have the windows rolled down. One group in a car tried to pelt me with a balloon as they drove slowly past but missed by a mile. Kind of proves why there are no Bolivian baseball players in the majors, right? I mean, how could you miss me?

I walked around this town square in Cochabamba for almost three hours, and this dude never moved once. I hope to be him someday.

The Dark Knight made nearly $470 million in foreign box office. Half of that had to be from the guy who put this on the hood of his car. ¿Por qué tan serio?

My favorite piece of graffiti so far. I like anyone who equates the police with some sort of marching death squad. This is my kind of place.

Random Acts of Beauty

The Ghostvillage Project from Agents Of Change on Vimeo.

I think this video is appropriate here because it illustrates just one of the cool things that people can do with all this trash.

But what's with the eerie 2001-ish background music/drone going on throughout the video? It creates a very creepy atmosphere.

Movie Reviews! Best Of 2009 Edition

I ran across this picture today and it reminded me how much I loved Up. It also reminded me how much I adore fat preadolescents of Asian descent.

Up – I’m in the bag for Pixar. Aside from Cars, they haven’t made a bad movie. And I don’t mean, “for kids’ movies, they’re pretty good.” No, as films, as perfectly constructed pieces of art, Pixar is damn near perfect. They have perfected the kind of concise story and character development that immediately engages an audience, and their meticulously crafted and perfectly lit animation brilliantly illustrates how much can be accomplished within a film frame. Up was my favorite movie that came out in 2009. It’s sad and funny and incredible.

Inglorious Basterds – It’s difficult to separate the artist from his art, especially when that artist is so full of himself and is so painful to listen to, but Quentin Tarantino made a super fun movie that plays with history, idolizes both movies and violence, and shoots Hitler multiple times in the fuckin’ face!

Observe and Report – This may be the darkest comedy I have ever seen. Not in terms of content, but in terms of characters. Not one person in this movie is good or likable in any way. Everyone is a dick, everyone will stab you in the back, and even your mom is just a drunk trying to stave off blacking out so she can drink some more. Even with all that, this movie is incredibly funny in a really pessimistic, gloomy way. Made by the dudes who made Foot Fist Way and "Eastbound and Down."

In The Loop – A brutal British comedy about the impotence and incompetence of politicians. Funny and frightening at the same time.

The Hangover – Las Vegas shenanigans, Zach Galifianakis, and this.

Big Fan – I wrote on this earlier. Awesome movie.

I think that’s it. Don’t let anyone tell you that District 9 was the best movie from last year. Anti-apartheid allegories that shoot its own message in the foot with racist content aren't all that great. I’ll see most of the year’s other top films, like that George Clooney thing and the Coens’ new one, sometime by summertime 2011.

Questions Brought Up By The New “Lost” Promotional Photos That Will Most Likely Also Go Unanswered

Where’s Desmond?
Will the character of Desmond face the same fate as Walt, Mr. Eko, Libby, Matthew Abadon, and that lady who was the Others’ “sheriff” in exactly one episode (interesting characters who we’re led to believe are important to the story arc but that are abandoned haphazardly)?

What’s Claire Doing Here?
Isn’t she dead? I mean, she is, right? I guess this leads into the whole “what happened when the bomb goes off” conversation: will the series reboot to the beginning, meaning everyone who we’ve seen die will be alive again? I hope not. I may finally have to call bullshit on this show.

The Last Supper? Really?
I know this show is rife with religious iconography and subtext, but this seems like overkill. Interesting to see that Locke is Jesus in this scenario and not Jack, but not very interesting.

God, Are We There Yet?
Honestly, I love “Lost” without reservation, but there are many lingering, bothersome questions I have that I doubt will be answered by these final 17 episodes.

Get ready to be befuddled, people.