Celebrity Playlist Autopsy

Ah yes... iPod playlists, you are the last great equalizer and destroyer of mixtapes (I love you. I despise you). What happens when you mix 369 (as of May '07) celebrities, (i.e. actors, athletes, musicians, tv show/movie casts, comedians, morons, has-beens, and never-weres) and an iPod playlist? I'm afraid that God His/Herself only knows. However, from my humble observations I have formed several intriguing, if not unimportant, theories.

Theory #1 Celebrity playlists are a lot like... no, not a fucking box of chocolates... !!... oh wait, they sort of are: in both expected and unexpected places, one is going to find both bullshit and caramel with nuts.

Expected Bullshit Group
--Exhibit A: Sylvester Stallone. I'm not sure if Sly himself or his personal iPod playlist arranger came up with "Eye of the Tiger" and "We Will Rock You", but either way I'm not surprised.
--Exhibit B: Lightning McQueen from Disney Pixar's Cars. I mean seriously, I know the Gorillaz really have iPods, but this is just pushing it.
--Exhibit C: Mariah Carey. What? You only picked 3 of your own songs?

Unexpected Bullshit Group
--Exhibit A: Frank Black. Not one, not two, not eight, but nine Burl Ives songs? I think he e-mailed this one in.
--Exhibit B: DJ Shadow. E-40, T.I., and Lil Jon? Is this why your last album sucked so bad?

Expected Caramel With Nuts Group
--Exhibit A: Thom Yorke. Includes two hip-hop songs. It's kind of cute how he seems to not know that Madvillain and Quasimoto are alter-egos and not real people.
--Exhibit B: TV On The Radio. Nice old classic ("Welcome To the Terrordome" Public Enemy) and nice new classic ("Rock And Roll" Edan).

Unexpected Caramel With Nuts Group
--Exhibit A: Julia Stiles. List includes both Morrissey and one of the greatest love songs ever ("This Must Be The Place" Talking Heads).
--Exhibit B: Mena Suvari. Who knew this tiny little girl smoked enough weed to make every song (23, and only 1 from Bob Marley) on her playlist of the Reggae variety. "So help me God, so help I Jah." Seen?



Theory #2 For every song on your iPod that an American Idle Contestant and/or Random Disposable Celebrity also has, subtract .5% coolness. For instance, Taylor Hicks and I both have Les McCann's "Compared To What" and Ashlee Simpson and I both have the Yeah Yeah Yeah's "Maps" on our iPod, therefore I am 1% less cool. Please subtract an additional 10% if you can match a given celebrity's playlist in its entirety.



Theory #3 If you click on the little button on a celebrity's playlist that says "Buy All Songs" you will not:
A) become more like that celebrity
B) understand that celebrity
C) come any closer to sleeping with that celebrity
D) escape my wrath

Pick A Caption, Any Caption...

O.K., let's see here, I'll go with...

"Wait.. where the hell am I?! What is this... some

sort of ballgame!? Who's this dude I'm next to? Why do

I feel like listening to the Black Crowes?"

and...

"Grrrr. With this new bionic face I had installed, I can kill

a man with the slightest twitch of my brow.

Unfortunately,

similar experiments to make my wife more dashing were

terrible disasters, resulting in orange skin and a nasty case

of TBS (Toothpickular Bone Syndrome)."