February 25, 2010

Dick!

I'm not one to anticipate or cheer the death of another human being, but when that person is a war criminal and unrepentant enemy of all things good and true, well... you get my point. I'm just saying that if anyone's soul deserves to spend eternity receiving the very torture he so enthusiastically endorsed for eight years, it's Richard B. Cheney's.

But alas, the very rich of this country can afford the type of health coverage that most cannot. This means that Richard B. Cheney can have five -- count them, FIVE! -- heart attacks and continue on with his life of spreading fear and vitriolic propaganda to any conservative-friendly, top-rated cable news channel that may be interested.

So, to honor the man who apparently doesn't need functioning aortas to live, here are all the jokes about his weak ticker I can think of.

Dick Cheney's heart is so weak, Chris Matthews forgot it was black.

Knock, knock. Who's there? Flatliiiiiiiiiiiiiiiine.

Cheney's arteries aren't clogged with cholesterol; they're clogged with the black tar residue of pure hatred. (Not funny, but true.)

Dick Cheney's heart doesn't have a pace maker. It has it's own MedicAlert necklace. Hey-Oh!

That's all I could think of. Fuck you, Dick Cheney's heart. Why won't you just fail already?

February 22, 2010

Shutter Island: A Sane and Sober Movie Review


For all of those people who are adamant about not having the slightest spoilers revealed to them, don't worry. I'm not going to reveal any secrets regarding the plotline of Shutter Island......or am I?.....I could just be a CRAZY person who actually has a long, insane history of revealing the plotlines of the movies and tv shows du jour--how the hell would you ever know? Egggggsactly.

So with that introduction, I don't think I've ever walked out of a movie theater not knowing if I actually liked or disliked the film I just saw--but that's exactly how I felt after seeing Shutter Island. It's positive and negative qualities appear to exist in perfect counter-balancing equilibrium, and it is really bothering the shit out of me.

The rational part of me wants to list and organize all of the things I enjoyed about the movie, then present all of the things I did not enjoy--like I would with any movie I watch. But I can't with this movie because my thoughts are so hopelessly jumbled. So bear with me, here are my stream of consciousness, sane-maybe-not-sane takes on my trip to Shutter Island:

--Even though I'm not a huge fan of Scorsese's films, in general, I have to admit the guy does a bang-up job here of creating palpable moods from camera shots, set pieces, weather (wind, rain, and lightning), music, and all of that good stuff. I don't think Scorsese (or anybody) could have done a better job establishing the setting and mood.

--While I find fedoras and suits with overcoats to be super slick and cool, as an online NYT commenter said, "it looks like DiCaprio is wearing his dad's clothes." And ugh, Leo's hair! I wanted to take some clippers and taper up the sides and back--erasing the line of demarcation between the short and long hair.

--The acting is top notch from top to bottom and the dialog is pretty engaging.

--The story is super tense. While I can't say that I totally empathized with any of the characters, I still really wanted to get to the bottom of what was happening.

--Unless I'm watching a war documentary, I find Holocaust atrocity imagery to be pretty heavy-handed and unnecessary--especially since we can't even rely on Teddy Daniel's observations in the movie.

--Ah yes, the elephant in the room--the Unreliable Narrator, FTW! I think Shutter Island is "cheap" and fails in this regard, because even though the 'hints' and foreshadowing aren't at all subtle, the viewer is forced to dismiss them because everybody the crazy person is interacting with is corroborating his insane story as reality!!!--misdirection is one thing, but I feel like this is flat-out dishonest. I mean, this crazy and violent person is out of confinement and allowed to "investigate" the institution while all staff members just play along? The orderlies are cool with bunking next to this insane dude night after night all as part of this game? And the lead doctor at this mental institution is claiming this as part of the treatment? Are you shitting me? Is this like the Montessori method to mental health and rehabilitation? Gotta cry 'bullshit' on this.

--I can't help but think any ending other than "Golly, you mean I've been bat-shit crazy for 2+ years" would have been a better conclusion to this story. I guess it goes to show how important the ending really is...all of that scenery, mood, and acting wasted....gack!


And it really is this last point that has me so flustered about this movie--has the 'unreliable narrator' become so cliché as a plot device that no one can ever salvage it?