The Edge of Empire Thanks the Centre

What beautiful flowers grow at the centre of empire?
Whose scent gently wafts to our uncertain edge
Most construe its beauty for selfish desire
Their roots as a noose extracting our breath

For are not flowers central to the essence of nature?
Do they not represent nature's fruitful plan?
To the detractors of empire I quickly wager,
"Isn't empire nature seen through the eyes of man?"

For they see the potential in a soulless desert
Emerald hills instead of endless dunes
They value oil and water with equal measure
Progress central to their point of view

But the multitude cry out "bloody murder!"
They smell the putrid scent of genocide
"How can you kill for progress?" they naively wonder
"Does not native blood out weigh selfish pride?"

Yet genocide is simply slashing and burning
So Ideas can be planted to mature and bloom
How beautiful it is to see their children learning
Noursihed from their new found bountiful fruit

So the edge of empire thanks the beautiful centre
For your selfless garden endlessly grows
But the white bones portruding often remember
Dying of thirst while bloody rivers flowed!

Why Y'all So Vagina?

What does it say about us as a culture when all a young and famous lady need do to curry favor with the American media is a well-timed and well-executed beaver flash? These accidental-but-not-really-at-all peep shows have become so ubiquitous, they've ceased to have any truly remarkable impact. I mean, shit, the photo to your left is Ms. Spears' second genital display in a week.

It’s become a cliché of the Lohan-level fame-lust crowd, the de rigeur move of desperation for any starlet who feels the celebrity press just aren't ravenous enough over them: get famous (acting/singing/blow jobbing), have a physical or emotional breakdown (blow overdose/marriage to background dancer), and then remind people that you're famous by showing off your newly Brazilian-ed lady hole to the omnipresent paparazzi.

This is not to say I’m against a woman’s right to choose to flash her vagina in public. Hell, I think we need more public vaginas in our society, not less. But it becomes a twee bit icky when the act itself is a cry for attention: “Hey, America, remember me? Check out my box!”

But here we are anyway, talking about Britney when there’s really no other earthly reason to do so. I suppose, then, that she accomplished her goal. She's climbed back into the pop culture consciousness, if only briefly, and all it took was panty-less car ride, a thousand flash bulbs, and our craven desire to see a famous woman's baby chute.

The very model of a win-win situation, no?

(And you're welcome for the picture, Scrap Heap. You. Are. Welcome.)

Gold Nugget Vs. Piece of Trash Vol. 1

Gold:

I've got two underpaid educators on the faders/
mad about the salaries of baseball players/
a nation of thugs wavin guns at the mayor/
the meek on their knees cold prayin for savior/
unable to outlast disease that plagues ya/
scientists with remedies save em for later/
'In God We Trust' written on the paper/
which soon will burn/
as humans learn/
to upgrade, advance/
got way too far in the waters of chance/
stress reaches up to the heavens/
its arms/
take the form of nuclear bombs/
and when they're weary/
they drop and crush theory/
laying to waste everything you held dearly/
death is nearing/
at this point you see clearly/
united through peril just scream if you hear me/
--Mr. Lif, "Low Key"

Trash:

As my, Daytons spin lowrider sittin low/
Hittin corners so hard you can taste my rims
Hard top six-four, I'm Diddy no tint
I can't hide in New York City
I'm 'bout it in the South, sleep good in the West/
Know a chick from Watts with Bad Boy tatted on her breast/
I done been there and did it (I done been there and did it)/
Ten years without gettin sweat inside my Yankee fitted/
1990-Raw I showed you ice/
You ain't know who Jacob was so I showed you twice/
When it was (All About the Benjamins) I had two bezels on my arm
Like a Don's supposed to, Sean
Ride with a chaffeur in Gucci loafers/
And switch to All Stars without losin focus/
These rap niggaz hopeless (hopeless)
you can change the locks
but I'ma shine for niggaz that ain't know Big
--P.Diddy "We Gon Make It"


Wasn't that easy??
More to come...

Thanks

"Thanks for a continent to despoil and poison. Thanks for Indians to provide a modicum of challenge and danger. Thanks for vast herds of bison to kill and skin leaving the carcasses to rot. Thanks for bounties on wolves and coyotes. Thanks for the American Dream, to vulgarize and falsify until the bare lies shine through. Thanks for the KKK. For nigger-killin' lawmen, feelin' their notches. For decent church-goin' women with their mean, pinched, bitter, evil faces. Thanks for laboratory AIDS. Thanks for Prohibition and the war against drugs. Thanks for a country where nobody's allowed to mind their own business. Thanks for a nation of finks. Yes, thanks for all the memories--all right let's see your arms! You always were a headache and you were always a bore. Thanks for the last and greatest betrayal of the last and greatest of human dreams."
--William S. Burroughs

Enjoy your turkey, motherfuckers!


No seriously, enjoy that shit.

MTV Europe Hates Black People!

You know, there are many occasions when making fun of celebrities seems like an immature endeavor. What right do we have, I'll find myself thinking, to ridicule people we've never met, simply because they're public figures whose level of success we feel is somehow undeserved. It sometimes just seems like sour grapes and makes it difficult to think of things to write for your blog, the majority of which is comprised of celebrity-bashing.

Then you find this amongst the interwebs, and you're seething animosity toward famous morons erupts anew.

There are so many fucked up things about that clip:

1. Kanye really thinks all that's needed for a truly great video is a million-dollar budget, a Pam Anderson cameo, and shots of him jumping over a canyon. This proves that he has the same aesthetic sensibility as a 9-year-old boy -- a dumb 9-year-old boy.
   
2. Kanye is actually upset that he didn't win an MTV Europe award. Motherfucker, it's MTV Europe. What the fuck is wrong with you? It's barely more prestigous than the award for World's Best Grandma, so chill the fuck out.
   
3. Timbaland is so famous in Europe that he was the presenter for this award. That's pretty cool, actually.
   
4. The incredibly condescending way Kanye puts down the band whose acceptance speech he is interrupting: "It's nothing against you, I've never seen your video." It's his egomanical way of saying: "I'm fucking Kayne, and you're nobody. If U2 were up here accepting this award, I wouldn't be doing this shit. But they're not, so fuck you."
   
5. Kayne ending his tirade displaying all the poise and tact of a world-class douchebag: "Timbaland, man. Bitch is hot!"

What a dick.

Mmmm... Bipartisanship...

All Aboard!!! That's right people of America, you're invited to join us here aboard the Bipartisan Ship!!! This all-inclusive cruise sets sail for two whole years and goes absolutely nowhere for the low low price of millions and millions in tax-payer dollars!!! You'll see the exotic scenery of the Filibuster, behold the awe-inspiring views of Political Quagmires, experience the joy of Muck Raking, and witness the breath-taking Model of Governmental Inefficiency!!! That's right, we make the U.N. look like a friggin' well-oiled machine!! What?!? You say you need more fun and entertainment?!? Can you say, 'Veto Power'? That's what I thought. On your cruise, you will be dining on a menu that consists entirely of fine government cheeses prepared by the finest one and a half star chef money can buy! After two years when the Bipartisan Ship returns to port, you can choose (via the presidential election) to join us for another few years or transfer to the Straight Up Partisan Ship! The choice is yours!! Space is limited so please, make your reservations today!

"Lost" Action Figures: Awesome or Lame?

Todd McFarlane's company has created a series of action figures based on the first season of "Lost." They're on sale beginning this Monday, and I really can't tell if they're incredibly awesome or just lame.

This uncertainty is not based on the fact that my favorite TV show is such a geek-fetish that it warrants action figures, but the actual product. Each figure comes with its own painted backdrop of a memorable scene that makes each look like a middle school diorama. A really kick-ass middle school diorama, but middle school diorama, nonetheless.

I think maybe it's the scenes in which the dolls are displayed that makes them not so cool. Hurley's memorable moment is when he was holding the flag while Jack golfs. Wha...? And Shannon's recreates her sunbathing scene from the very first episode. Please. Forget that Shannon was probably the least likable character on the show, and think about the wisdom of creating an action figure that's lying down. I think perhaps McFarlane's boys phoned this one in.

The finished products seem more like a cheap merchandising opportunity, rather than the actually cool, fan-friendly memorablia they could be.

But I know one thing for sure: If they make "Lost" action figures based on season two, I'll be the first in line to get the Mr. Eko doll.

Being The Kid Madonna Stole From Africa

Our continuing series of multiple-choice quizzes to test your pop-culture knowledge.

What is Madonna's newly adopted son thinking in this photo?

a. “You know, there’s a whole country of impoverished people back there. Instead of just snatching me up like a third-world souvenir for your petty game of Humanitarian Chicken with Angelina Jolie, you could, I don’t know, help out a lot more people. Maybe build some roads or a nice school? No? Okay, I’m good.”

b. “Wow, I thought I had it bad, but my new stepbrother is actually named Rocco. Jesus, that's tough.”

c. “Okay, but what was it about me specifically that you fell in love with? Was it my smile? Did I have the least amount of vultures circling overhead? Was it the way I sang ‘Mr. Bojangles?’ C’mon, lady, there has to be something.”

d. “The brown-haired girl who keeps smelling my head is really starting to piss me off. I’m not a new car, Bitch! Wait… how do I know what a new car smells like? Wait… what the fuck is a car?”

e. “This isn’t so bad, even if I do have to live with the creepy Jewish lady with fake yellow hair.”

Correct Answer: D

Miscellany

I don’t care what Natalie Portman said. I really don’t. It was just a cloying and painfully obvious attempt by a first-time writer-director to get "cool" audiences to identify with his rather unlikable main characters. It’s not the Shins’ fault that they got more popular because of it. Besides, we here at WAWGDWATT headquarters have neither the time nor the inclination to debate the street credibility of a guitar-based pop band. We just know we liked their first record and early singles so much, we’re pretty much willing to forgive anything, including the McDonald’s and Gap commercials, a bad second record, and, yes, even Garden State.

Anyway, the Shins’ Wincing the Night Away, due out on Sub Pop in January, leaked a couple of weeks back, and I’ve been listening to it all day today. I've enjoyed it very much so far. The first two songs, “Sleeping Lessons” and “Australia,” are pretty awesome, the former a great keyboard-led slow build to a garage-band-style climax, the latter an up-beat and terrific mood-shifter with an awesome Morrissey nod at the end: "So give me your hand and let's jump out the window." Then they get weird for a minute with “Pam Berry,” a track that’s more sound project than song, sort of like Oh, Inverted World’s “Your Algebra.” It’s fine, and it only lasts 56 seconds, so no bother.

“Phantom Limb” opens with some soft fuzz bass and the line, “Frozen into coats, white girls from the North.” Singer James Mercer goes onto to sing about feeling like a ghost, or something like that, and it’s so sad and pretty, and somewhere he talks about "cheap shots from the tribe" and “ another afternoon with the gold head tunes and pilfered booze,” right before the soaring chorus and the “oh-whoa-oh”s kick in. That’s what I like most about the Shins: they make melancholy seem like the most beautiful thing in the world. It’s a warm, hope-filled way of saying things suck.

Okay, four songs down. So far, so great.

After the high of “Phantom Limb” we’re given “Sea Legs,” with what the Sub Pop website calls a “hip-hop beat.” Well, if it is a hip-hop beat, it’s a pretty shitty one. But the band puts some strings and synths and hand claps over it, and it’s not so bad after a while. A nice change in style, but not so great as a song. That's followed by “Red Rabbits,” an okay song with a wood block beat and that same keyboard thing from “Sphagnum Esplanade” where the notes sound like water drops. (You know, this post is starting to seem like amateur music crit, so I think I’ll wrap things up.)

The record’s second half is not as strong as the first, with "Turn On Me" the only one I've really enjoyed. So far as I can tell, though, there are no really bad songs. I can’t remember what my point was with this post. I guess it was this: The Shins' new record leaked already. Go get that shit. (Maybe my point was just to make fun of Garden State one more time.)