February 28, 2007
Flimsy Whimsy
Recently, my fellow contributors and quasi-contributor (yes, Trashish, that is a fire being lit under your ass..I mean, come on, Hugh Laurie, Robert Smith, and Johnnie Walker are practically begging for some blog-style props..) were having a heated, non-sensical debate about cultural randomness over numerous alchoholic beverages, again (if there's a better way to communicate, I haven't experienced it). My compatriots noted that comparing what is obviously trash to what is obviously valuable is a lot like shooting fish in a barrel. And while shooting fish in a barrel is exceedingly fun, it perhaps is not exceedingly rewarding. Since I enjoy nothing more than indulging the whims of my fellow humans, the following post is my attempt to shoot genetically-altered, super fish in a container that is larger than a barrel (Although, I have a feeling that I'll be back to Minor Threat-Avril Lavigne comparisons before you can say "self-indulgent tripe").............
Solid Gold Vs. Solid Waste
Personal Hygiene Edition
Gold
It's important to practice good hygiene/
At least if you wanna run with my team/
I'm bout to get into some shit that I've seen/
This fool's breath, I mean it’s so bad it'll melt your ice cream/
They say don't say nothing if you can't say nice things/
Sittin too close to him it burned(?) like my eyes sting/
I try to be subtle, hand him a stick of gum/
I was a victim of breath on hum/
Running his yap about what set he’s from/
Gotta get some gum gotta get him some/
He turned it down, his teeth was brown/
Excruciating, foreign, it was a new sensation/
I had to ask the dope to pass the soap/
Cuz his toes had the sniff of crustaceans/
Or bathrooms in a bus station/
He had a can of O. E. and some raisins/
Amazin'/
head to toe B.O./
He didn't know/
used to the fragrance/
Just as the days went without bathing/
He felt manly and not like a maiden/
He had one dread, and fungus/
Said he worked on peoples' toilets with plungers/
Girls, not the guy you want to tongue ya/
So guys take your cue from this number/
[CHORUS] (x2)
You gotta wash your ass, if you must
You gotta wash your hair, if you must
You gotta brush your teeth, if you must
Or else you'll be funkyyyyyyyy
Now at class you need total concentration/
But there's kids in the back holdin conversations/
Crackin on each other, and neither were poster boys/
Both of em smell like the type that soap avoids/
Coast and Joy, on a leave of absence/
One's fool's feet smelled like it struck some matchsticks/
Brimstone, girls would never bring him home/
I was laughin, then his friend raised his tone/
And said, "Bud, you rolled all over yourself"/
I know some people your ass should be submerged/
Like you need to deal with water cuz you smell like a turd/
Wanna cap get some courage, your feet smell lurid/
Well look it up/And while you're at it, get a cup/
And squeeze the sweat out your sweatshirt and drink it or gargle/
You get our vote for most stinkiest/
That nigga started thinkin of shit/
said I was frail/
I said he was stale/
Underarms is ripe/
Undergarments tight/
about to leap out your holy sweats/
And we holdin bets/
and after this I'm gonna collect/
Nigga check yourself, respect yourself/
And wash your mothafuckin body 'fore your sweatshirt melt/
Like radioactive, no lady find you attractive/
The funk got you captive/
You don't need a map bitch/
CHORUS
---Del "If You Must"
Waste
You call a lady over with a beautiful grill/
You go to give her a kiss and yo she breath smell ill/
Chill/
That was my natural thought/
I'm distraught/
but going for the gold is what I was taught/
So I kiss she on she neck/
and then I caress she breast/
Lower body feelin' stressed/
We gettin' undressed/
and she getting on so lookin' fine and grindin'/
Scratchin', Cryin', Bitin', Whinin'/
Kiss she pon she belly then I get by the navel/
All of a sudden notice something smelling unstable/
Wait! What is that, fishbait?/
Unsanitary state ruining this date/
Then I pause for a second and the dils went (Droop sound)
Frustration from a foul sensation/
Hey baby did you ever think of bathin'/
Maybe next time before you give an invitation/
CHORUS
Washitup!/ A little water and soap/ and come along smelling fresh/ that would be dope
Washitup!/ Before you make me flee/ you're smelling like old cheese/ set me free
Washitup!/ I'm just talking that real/ Don't want the (blank)/ If the (blank) smell stale
Washitup!/ Before you make me cry/ You look good/ Smell bad/ Girl bye bye
---Mr. Lif "Wash It Up"
As with most things I don't like, I can't even make it all the way to the end, but the 2nd verse is much like the first, except in this one some girl still wants him (Mr. Lif) even though he just got off stage and is all sweaty and didn't have time to Washitup! before some girl pushes him into the bathroom and does him despite his stink.
So what's the deal here? Two respectable artists, one funny subject matter, yet one song shines while the other one not so much. First of all, maybe male stinkiness is almost to be expected, whereas female stinkiness is something that I don't really want to think, or hear, about. Is that sexist? Oh well. Also contributing to the suck is the lousy patois that Lif uses throughout the song. Snow (you know you remember the "Informer") had a more authentic accent and that dude's Canadian. Del's song just had better imagery (crustacean-scented toes, Coast and Joy taking leaves of absences, B.O. melting through sweatshirts, gargling sweat actually improving the smell of one's breath, etc). Lif's take on hygiene just comes across as shallow. Particularly when you consider the political nature of the rest of Lif's work. Leave the dirty poontang to Paris Hilton.
Gold
It's important to practice good hygiene/
At least if you wanna run with my team/
I'm bout to get into some shit that I've seen/
This fool's breath, I mean it’s so bad it'll melt your ice cream/
They say don't say nothing if you can't say nice things/
Sittin too close to him it burned(?) like my eyes sting/
I try to be subtle, hand him a stick of gum/
I was a victim of breath on hum/
Running his yap about what set he’s from/
Gotta get some gum gotta get him some/
He turned it down, his teeth was brown/
Excruciating, foreign, it was a new sensation/
I had to ask the dope to pass the soap/
Cuz his toes had the sniff of crustaceans/
Or bathrooms in a bus station/
He had a can of O. E. and some raisins/
Amazin'/
head to toe B.O./
He didn't know/
used to the fragrance/
Just as the days went without bathing/
He felt manly and not like a maiden/
He had one dread, and fungus/
Said he worked on peoples' toilets with plungers/
Girls, not the guy you want to tongue ya/
So guys take your cue from this number/
[CHORUS] (x2)
You gotta wash your ass, if you must
You gotta wash your hair, if you must
You gotta brush your teeth, if you must
Or else you'll be funkyyyyyyyy
Now at class you need total concentration/
But there's kids in the back holdin conversations/
Crackin on each other, and neither were poster boys/
Both of em smell like the type that soap avoids/
Coast and Joy, on a leave of absence/
One's fool's feet smelled like it struck some matchsticks/
Brimstone, girls would never bring him home/
I was laughin, then his friend raised his tone/
And said, "Bud, you rolled all over yourself"/
I know some people your ass should be submerged/
Like you need to deal with water cuz you smell like a turd/
Wanna cap get some courage, your feet smell lurid/
Well look it up/And while you're at it, get a cup/
And squeeze the sweat out your sweatshirt and drink it or gargle/
You get our vote for most stinkiest/
That nigga started thinkin of shit/
said I was frail/
I said he was stale/
Underarms is ripe/
Undergarments tight/
about to leap out your holy sweats/
And we holdin bets/
and after this I'm gonna collect/
Nigga check yourself, respect yourself/
And wash your mothafuckin body 'fore your sweatshirt melt/
Like radioactive, no lady find you attractive/
The funk got you captive/
You don't need a map bitch/
CHORUS
---Del "If You Must"
Waste
You call a lady over with a beautiful grill/
You go to give her a kiss and yo she breath smell ill/
Chill/
That was my natural thought/
I'm distraught/
but going for the gold is what I was taught/
So I kiss she on she neck/
and then I caress she breast/
Lower body feelin' stressed/
We gettin' undressed/
and she getting on so lookin' fine and grindin'/
Scratchin', Cryin', Bitin', Whinin'/
Kiss she pon she belly then I get by the navel/
All of a sudden notice something smelling unstable/
Wait! What is that, fishbait?/
Unsanitary state ruining this date/
Then I pause for a second and the dils went (Droop sound)
Frustration from a foul sensation/
Hey baby did you ever think of bathin'/
Maybe next time before you give an invitation/
CHORUS
Washitup!/ A little water and soap/ and come along smelling fresh/ that would be dope
Washitup!/ Before you make me flee/ you're smelling like old cheese/ set me free
Washitup!/ I'm just talking that real/ Don't want the (blank)/ If the (blank) smell stale
Washitup!/ Before you make me cry/ You look good/ Smell bad/ Girl bye bye
---Mr. Lif "Wash It Up"
As with most things I don't like, I can't even make it all the way to the end, but the 2nd verse is much like the first, except in this one some girl still wants him (Mr. Lif) even though he just got off stage and is all sweaty and didn't have time to Washitup! before some girl pushes him into the bathroom and does him despite his stink.
So what's the deal here? Two respectable artists, one funny subject matter, yet one song shines while the other one not so much. First of all, maybe male stinkiness is almost to be expected, whereas female stinkiness is something that I don't really want to think, or hear, about. Is that sexist? Oh well. Also contributing to the suck is the lousy patois that Lif uses throughout the song. Snow (you know you remember the "Informer") had a more authentic accent and that dude's Canadian. Del's song just had better imagery (crustacean-scented toes, Coast and Joy taking leaves of absences, B.O. melting through sweatshirts, gargling sweat actually improving the smell of one's breath, etc). Lif's take on hygiene just comes across as shallow. Particularly when you consider the political nature of the rest of Lif's work. Leave the dirty poontang to Paris Hilton.
February 22, 2007
Am I Crazy...
...or does Britney Spears go to rehab like the rest of us go to 7-11? Three times in one week!! Wow, now that's what I call 'recidivism.' Or maybe in Hollywood, "rehab" is just a more fashionable way to say "day spa"..
You're Thinking . . .
Awwww! They are so cute and adorable! Who doesn't love a good chimp? Michael Jackson certainly does. They're cute, fuzzy, childlike, and so innocent . . . but are they really?
P.S. I'm not at all surprised about the female chimps. I am also pretty sure those female chimps are smarter than 97.7% of human males.
February 21, 2007
Timberlake’s Out Of His Unholy Mind
I don’t know about you, but I’m the kind of dude that when I hear my actress girlfriend has cloned a smaller version of herself, I get more excited.I guess that’s just how I was raised.
[image used without permission from worth1000.com]
February 20, 2007
Holy Asian Jumping Beans!
Hallelujah! Asians all over the world are jumping for joy. Erasure is coming out with a new album on May 22. Get it. Even if you're not Asian.
Can't wait? Need a taste of the new Erasure? Need a fucking hit do ya? Alright then. Here's a lil bit. Just a lil bit. http://www.myspace.com/erasureofficial
Introducing the Most Sophisticated Piece of Technology . . .
you will ever pee on? http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=1075655105397704666
Check it out.
Check it out.
February 08, 2007
God Damn It
James Patterson has stolen my life for another one of his terribly written crime novels.I will get you, James Patterson. And so will my ten children.
Sleep lightly, hack boy.
February 05, 2007
The Importance of Talking Points
According to the Bush administration, the following is a list of all the ways in
which terrorists come to be “emboldened.”
What? The war didn’t fail because of disastrous and incompetent planning? It failed because the enemy watched CNN and became so emboldened that they became invincible. If everybody just blindly agreed with us, then we would’ve won.
See. It’s your fault, America.
which terrorists come to be “emboldened.”- Wanting the war to end
- Disagreeing with the President’s war policy
- Protesting the war
- Voting for a non-binding resolution opposed to the announced addition of more troops
- Doing anything that in no way involves the voluntary “support” of “the troops.”
- Talking to friends about the war
- Writing about the war on your blog
- Caring enough about the men and women who serve in the military that you don’t want them to die
- Secretly harboring thoughts that Saddam Hussein was executed so incredibly quickly because of his knowledge of American business interests in Iraq and their involvement/complicity in his dictatorial reign
- Rebutting the argument that anyone opposed to the war has to come up with an exit strategy
- Referring to the fighting as a civil war
- Reading the liberal media
- Watching the liberal media
- Going to the liberal movie theatre in the liberal district of your local liberal suburb
What? The war didn’t fail because of disastrous and incompetent planning? It failed because the enemy watched CNN and became so emboldened that they became invincible. If everybody just blindly agreed with us, then we would’ve won.
See. It’s your fault, America.
February 01, 2007
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