Drill, Baby, Dri---Oh Shit!

As Mike has zestfully pointed out in his last two posts, a lot of seriously fucked up nonsense has been going down the last couple of weeks, so let me add some fuel to the fi--errr.. let me add my two cents..


Offshore Drilling. Hmm. Humph. Oh well, here's to hoping that unrefined oil makes a really awesome fish marinade....Mmmm, this oil is so cruuuuuude. The recent announcement of President Obama's plan to increase deep sea drilling couldn't have come at a more inopportune time. I think the environment is the one area that President Obama deserves to be hammered on (well, and probably the continuation of two, IMO, needless wars--but I don't have enough disappointment & frustration to go around). Obviously, this drilling-for-oil-under-5000-feet-of-ocean practice is not as safe as everyone claims it is. I'm guessing that Obama (or his advisers) thought that demonstrating a willingness to increase offshore oil drilling would be seen as an act of "bipartisanship"--but what good is bipartisanship when the other side has no good ideas whatsoever? Take so-called clean coal, for example. Have you ever touched a piece of freaking coal? It is the opposite of clean, some might call it downright dirty. How do you expect to "clean" coal? Perhaps the same way you shine shit.



Bartering for Medical Services. Some bat-guano crazy politician lady (Sue Lowden--who is likely to beat Nevada Sen. Harry Reid in November--she's currently up {!} by like 10 percentage points or something) suggests that we ought to be bartering for our healthcare to help lower costs. Somehow I don't think my collection of video games is going to cover any type of surgery I may end up needing. Ms. Lowden specifically mentioned that during the Great Depression, people offered livestock, namely chickens, to doctors in exchange for medical services. So be careful, counting your chickens before they hatch could soon carry some serious medical consequences.



Stephanie Grace. Ugh, just STFU. This supposedly educated female sent some idiotic email around about how she thinks that African-Americans are "genetically" dumber than white people. As others have noted, this is pretty much the entire argument behind eugenics and the point blank definition of racism, yet many of her colleagues are rushing to her defense and bemoaning the fact that her identity has now been plastered across the Net (you're welcome). And whoops, now everybody knows about it, and BOO HOO HOO, her career as a lawyer bullshitter is possibly in jeopardy. Look folks, skin color and eyelid folds (i.e. what we call 'race') do not equal genotype and barely has shit to do with our DNA. Check out Gawker (here and here) and PostBourgie (here) for better and more informative takes than I can offer on the matter. And, oh great, she's got a degree in Sosh-ee-ol-o-gee. And she looks like she's Irish. Motherfucker.


Man, I am angry as Hell this week, I'm seriously about to pop off. And I don't even have enough piss left to discuss the new Arizona immigration law, but I think "By the Time I Get to Arizona" applies, so listen to that...

At least May has some cool music coming out, as well as the final episodes of "Lost", so maybe it'll all balance out.

Here's Something That Happened

Here is everything I know about the guy that owns this pick-up truck.

1. He doesn't know very much about Islam.

2. He knows an amateur graphic designer.

3. He doesn't mind bumming everyone out.

4. He gets the best parking at Safeway.

5. He is super proud of the American south (despite their woeful win-loss percentage).

6. He's Ford tough. (And by that I mean he doesn't mind associating the struggling car manufacturer with the worst tragedy ever.)

7. He's kind of hung up on September 11.

8. When he bought the truck, he went all out and got the optional tow package!

9. In traffic, other drivers constantly flip him off for reasons he can't quite figure.

10. His life, to this point, has not worked out as well as he had hoped for. But he's pretty sure he knows who's responsible for those unfulfilled dreams.

11. He looooves Widespread Panic.

This Is A Joke, Right? (Updated)

What. The. Fuck?

I've long held a special kind of contempt toward the kind of self-deluded celebrity that makes a super special announcement via the glossy, inbred pages of People magazine. Weddings, births, rehab: if you're telling the public about some milestone in your life via People, you're fucking retarded. (Apologies to all our retarded readers for my use of the word retarded. But I must contend: your physical or mental differences don't make you retarded. So the next time somebody calls you retarded, respond thusly: "Oh, no, sir, it is not I who is retarded! It's Sandra fucking Bullock!")

But the above cover... holy shit, we're entering into a whole new level of navel-gazing self-congratulatory publicity. There's just so much wrong with this, I feel compelled to deploy a numeric list so that all may understand the hierarchy of fuckery going on here.

1. The headline, "Meet My Baby," right off the bat makes it seem like the kid is, at best, a new gadget or toy. It sounds like someone saying, "Check out my new iPad" or "Isn't this African doll really unique?"

2. Even the baby seems bemused. Look at the look on its face. That's a look that screams out, "Is this bitch fucking kidding me?" And is that a traditional necklace from wherever that kid is from around its neck? That's how you're gonna hold on to your adoptive kid's culture and heritage, through overly large jewelry? Nice touch.

Update: As Pete points out in the comments, I had assumed that this kid was from Malawi or some such place. (And you all know what happens when you assume: you make an unverified conclusion based on available, superficial evidence.) But this kid is actually from N'awlens. Does that mean the necklace around its neck is one of those beaded necklaces for which drunk chicks flash their lady bags during Mardi Gras? Way classy.

3. Because of that ridiculous pose, her phony smile, and the way she's holding the baby like a football, I can just feel the publicists, managers, agents, and stylists all standing over the photographer's shoulder shrieking, "That's the cover!" Fake, fake, fake.

4. You know that joke about African adoptees being trendy accessories for famous shitheads? This picture makes that joke seem less like a cynical snark from jealous nobodies and more like the actual fucking truth. Ugh.

5. The bar at the top informing us that this is the Most Beautiful People issue has a picture of Julia Roberts accompanying it. Fucking People isn't even trying anymore. Fuck.

"These Are the Words That I Manifest.."

Today we are mourning the passing of Guru, the Gang Starr emcee who succumbed to cancer (I hope White Owls didn't have anything to do with this) yesterday at the age of 47. Perhaps best known for his "monotone style" and the Jazzmatazz series, he and DJ Premier put out several certifiably classic albums in the 90s as Gang Starr (Step in the Arena, Daily Operation, & Hard to Earn) that still maintain their worthiness nearly twenty years (I'm so damn old) later.

Essential Gang Starr gems:

• Manifest (Remix) {awesome}


• Who's Gonna Take the Weight?


• The Meaning of the Name


• B.Y.S.


• Ex Girl to Next Girl {can you be a good feminist and also like this song? Discuss.}


• Flip the Script {one of the best}


• Take Two and Pass {all these daggone youngsters need to learn about this}


• Code of the Streets


• Mass Appeal {another great one}

Being Tiger Woods

A recurring (and long-dormant) series of multiple-choice questions to test your pop-culture knowledge.

What was Tiger Woods thinking when this banner flew over the golf tournament in which he was competing?

a. That's pretty fucking hilarious, but I'm still gonna have that douche bag shot in his douche hole.
b. God, how many fake, dishonest apologies do I have to give before people stop caring where I stick my hog?
c. This is just another in a long series of public humiliations that have hurt my family, damaged my personal reputation, and cost me millions of dollars in endorsements. But you know what? It was fucking worth it.
d. All things appear and disappear because of the concurrence of causes and conditions. Nothing ever exists entirely alone. Everything is in relation to everything else... Oh shit, I'm hard!
e. Yeah, well, that guy won't think it's so funny when I have my dick so far up his... Goddammit, I've gotta stop thinking like this!

Answer: All of the above

Best New Blog

Rosa DeLauro Is A Fucking Hipster.

The one about the B.I.G./"Party In the USA" mashup literally made me cry laughing.

Sigh. It makes me wish we had a theme or purpose for this web log.

More on this later.