Bastardize, Smastardize..

As the release dates for "The Simpsons" and "Transformers" movies draw ever closer, I find myself overwhelmed by a crippling sense of anxiety. These are, after all, two television shows that I hold near and dear to my heart and would hate to have their legacies tarnished by shallow, gaudy, 90-120 minute con jobs packaged as "summer blockbusters" (see "X-Files: The Movie"). Hollywood does has a notoriety for bastadizing all which is good and right in this world.

"The Simpsons" (in my estimation, without being superlative) is without a doubt the funniest show, animated or otherwise, in the history of television. No other comedy show has been able to put together a string of hilarious years like "The Simpsons" did from about season 3 until season 12 (or is it 13?). Granted, it is not nearly as funny anymore, and I can't honestly say I've watched a new episode in over a year... Makes me wonder if this movie is The Simpsons' swan song?

What is it about seeing the word "Transformers" adjacent to the name "Michael Bay" that makes me involuntarily shudder? Hmm... hold on a sec... let me pull up Mr. Bay's resume here... ... ...oh shit ... of all the self-indulgent tripe.... Perhaps I'm hallucinating and can't recall kick-ass cartoons from the 80s, but did Transformers look like crosses between the aliens from "Starship Troopers" and the Terminator in the T.V. show? Was Bumblebee a fucking Camaro?


Don't get me wrong. I'm going to see these movies. The trailers have me cautiously excited (a ways to go before wet-my-pants status). I'm not planning any boycotts yet. I'm approaching these movies the same way I approached Michael Jordan playing for the Washington Wizards: worth seeing once and then quickly forgotten about.

Marriage and the Holidays

Ok, so married life has been great so far. I mean, we get to sleep in the same room now at my parents. Awesome, right? And we don't have to answer any more questions about when we're going to get married. Whew! With that monkey off my back let's get to some not so great things about being married.

*having to buy holiday gifts and birthday gifts for everyone on both sides of the family
*having to smile and say, "NO, NOT YET!!!" whenever (and it's quite often) someone asks if we're going to have a baby
*having to fulfill family obligations for both sides of the family
*having to talk to TWO moms

Do you see a trend here? Families make married life a little less pleasant. I am only bitching because I was so excited when my family announced that they were going away for the holidays . . . I assumed they were going to skip Christmas. You know what happens when you assume. You make an ASS out of U and ME. So now I have to go out and buy Christmas presents for the most impossible people to gift. I mean, what do you get the guy that has a car that cost more than my first home? What do you get the lady that has 3 closets full of name brand clothes? What do you buy brothers who own $5k watches? With one week left, I am knee-deep in doo doo. Help!

Watch and Enjoy

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rIP7djqpeK0

And what have you been doing with your free time?
Can't wait till this comes out on the PS3!

Bally Who?

So I was thinking to myself the other day, "ScrapHeap, how does it make you feel when artists that you respect and enjoy say some questionable shit on like, songs and whatever?"
Let me see, Pete, let me see...

Mr. Lif -"I Phantom"
"Corrective lenses are something that I wear/
so I can see the globe real clear/"

When I first heard this, I was a little worried that the next couple lines were going to be:
"Spending all day building Lincoln Log cabins/
playing Dungeons & Dragons/
you can be Sam Gamgee
and I'll be Frodo Baggins/"

I love every other letter of that song, but I'm trying to fool people into thinking that I'm not a dork. Also, I don't know how it is in rap songs, but refer to eyewear as 'corrective lenses' in many parts of reality and you're bound to get a beatdown. I can almost picture a bully taking my lunch money right now...

Guru - "Dwyck"
"Lemonade was a popular drink and it still is/
I get more props and stunts than Bruce Willis/"

I can overlook the Bruce Willis reference, the song is from '94 after all. However, the whole 'lemonade' thing has thrown me for a loop. I mean, was the popularity of lemonade ever in question? It is awfully refreshing. Was there an e. coli outbreak in lemons during the early 90s that I don't know about? I'll look into it.

Hangar 18 - "Easier Said Than Done"
"I'm a creature of habit and all habits die hard/
I'm Bruce Willis with an iron will cuz life's hard/"

Great album and song (almost ruined by this couplet), but in this case I can't overlook the Bruce Willis/Die Hard reference (this song came out in '04). God... I don't want to think about how many times I've seen Die Hard (1, 2, and 3) anymore. Enough is enough. Oh and don't let me forget, no matter how many people have tried before, rhyming a word with that same word is never ever ever a good thing. It's like kissing a clone of yourself or something.

So in summary,
I'm not at all nerdy, fruity beverages will always be popular, damnit! And, uh, please stop cloning people.

The End of The World Party

I don’t know what it is that has me in such a good mood. I don’t know if it’s the charming Christmas light decorations on every fourth house I drive by, the good feeling that accompanies the purchase of cool gifts other people will enjoy, or the fact that it’s seventy degrees in the middle of December in Washington, DC.

(Usually this last fact would be scaring the hell out of me, because just last week I saw An Inconvenient Truth and I tend to get sort-of, well, crazy about things that have the potential to end the world. But here I am, getting ready for New Year’s in shorts and a tank top, with not a care in the world.)

I had intended a snarky year-end summation of this year’s most vitriol-deserving famous people; I was going to call it The Trashies. Clever, yeah?

But because of my merry mood, I prefer now only to praise those things that were truly great about 2006. Scrap Heap refers to them “pieces of gold,” and it was these few nuggets that made wading through the septic tank of pop-culture completely bearable.

"The Wire"
The best show on television. I don’t do criticism well, so I won’t. It’s just the best show, maybe ever.

"The Office"
This show is so great, and in so many ways, I almost literally want to slap myself to prevent from gushing so openly about it.

Love Is All - Nine Times The Same Song
Energetic Swedish garage rock all about the different stages of love, from bliss to boredom. Very great.

The Organ - Grab That Gun and Sinking Hearts EP
This is the kind of year it’s been. A friend, knowing my deep affection for girl-made indie pop, recommends I listen to the Organ. I do, and I fall in love. I listen to their record and their EP a thousand times, marveling at how great a band they are, and looking forward to anything they release in the future. Then after a few months, I check their website to find out they’ve broken up. That’s the kind of year it has been.

Au Revoir Simone - Verses of Comfort, Assurance & Salvation
Three ladies playing two keyboards and a Micro-Korg, singing sad, pretty songs. I ask you, what could be better?

"Lost"
This is more for the last half of season two, than for this fall’s six-episode mini-series tease-a-thon. I’m not joining the knee-jerk haters, I’m just saying that something better happen soon. Also, I’m still kind of pissed about Mr. Eko. But I know they’ll get it going for the seventeen straight shows next year, and that will ease my troubling mind.

"Postcards From Italy" - Beirut
My favorite song from this year. A catchy ukelele, Neutral Milk Hotel's amazing drummer doing his thing, and a horn section part that kick's my ass everytime. A perfect song.

The Prestige, Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man’s Chest, The Departed, and Borat
(If you don’t like the end of movies ruined for you, stop reading this now.)
There’s this moment at the end the Pirates sequel where Captain Jack is staring straight into the mouth of the terrible Kraken monster that’s been unleashed to devour him. Just before the enormous sea monster swallows him alive, Captain Jack pulls his sword, smiles as if he were looking forward to his fate, and casually says, “Hello, beastie.”

God, I love that shit.

The other movies listed are my other favorites released this year, all awesome in their own distinct way.

That's all I can think of for now. If my mood sours, I'll have a crack at the worst of this year. Until then, however, have a nice holiday everybody, whatever you celebrate.

Except you Episcopalians. You people fucking freak me out.

Look Everyone!! I'm a Racist!

No, not me, of course. But you are. Particularly if you are a celebrity. It seems that at some point during your career, it is more than likely that you have conveyed this sort of message (whether out of real hatred or some last-ditch effort to garner some attention). This country has a long history of some seriously messed up racist shit, and that's a woeful understatement. Oh, I don't know, things like slavery, the KKK, and the fact that there have only been 5 (!) black Senators--EVER--come to mind (You want references? This ain't college, it's the internet, look it up yourself). And while this country's disdain for minorities and Hollywood have gone hand in hand over the years (minstrel shows of the early 20th century, 70s blaxploitation, less than ten black Academy Award winning actors, continued limited or stereotypical roles for minorities), it seems that hate-filled diatribes have become the shameless publicity stunt du jour (in addition to wanton vagina flashing; thank you Mr. Basura). From Mel Gibson to Michael Richards and now this tidbit from media juggernaut TMZ (Now with 10% more credibility!):

"...Just hours after TMZ broke the story about Andy Dick's cavalier use of the N word in a comedy club this weekend, the alleged comedian has admitted that he made a huge mistake. In an apology issued through his publicist, Dick said, "I chose to make a joke about a subject that is not funny. In an attempt to make light of a serious subject, I have offended a lot of people, and I am sorry for my insensitivity. I wish to apologize to Ian, to the club, and its patrons and to anyone who was hurt or offended by my remark."Andy was heckling comedian Ian Bagg at L.A.'s Improv comedy club Saturday, when he sudddenly got out of his seat and jumped onstage, cracked jokes about Michael Richards, and referred to the crowd by the N word..."

Yes yes, Andy, we get it, you're a fucking idiot, now go away. I was (and have consistently been throughout your career) offended by your actions and I do not accept your callous apology. We will, however, be sure to call you the next time a hurricane hits and we need to build a levee of human sandbags. I think we'll put you at the base of the levee where all the water and drownings are.

The moral of this story is really quite simple: American people no longer believe that public displays of racism are acceptable or funny. Bigotry is only acceptable and funny when it takes place in the privacy of your own racist home, or kept as thoughts within the confines of your thick, bigoted skull.

Gold Nugget Vs. Piece of Trash Vol. 2

Gold:

"The body is wrapped in shadow
The face is built of cinders
And panic tears through your silhouette
As you're squeezed by burning fingers
And he's crackling in all colours
With teeth of gelignite
When he sighs his song and pirouettes
Through a dance of dynamite
We are fireworks - slowly, glowing/ Bold and bright
We are fireworks - burning shapes into the night
His fuel is our frustration
And dreams begin to ache
And all the while we wear a party smile
And happily we shiver
And happily we shake
Oh shake, shake, shake
We are fireworks - slowly, glowing/ Bold and bright
We are fireworks - burning shapes into the night
Twist and turn - burn, burn, burn
Twist and turn - burn, baby, burn"
--Siouxsie & The Banshees "Fireworks"

Trash:

"Oh, I, I, I I wanna be bad with you baby
I, I, I, I I wanna be bad with you baby
Do you, understand what I need,need (from you)
Just let me be the girl to show you (you)
Everything that she can be is everything that I can be
I wanna be My turn
Let me let you know that I can (I can)
Promise that I won't do that
So boy, say the time and place cuz you make me wanna misbehave
I wanna be bad
You make bad look so good
I got things on my mind I never thought I would
I, I wanna be bad (bad)
You make bad feel so good
I'm losing all my cool
I'm about to break the rules
I, I wanna be bad
I wanna be bad with you baby
I, I, I, I, I wanna be bad with you baby"
--Willa Ford "I Wanna Be Bad"

Come on, Willa, you got on to "Dancing With The Stars" because of this shit? Frankly, I'm appalled.