What Are We Gonna Do With All This Trash?: Being The Kid Madonna Stole From Africa

November 02, 2006

Being The Kid Madonna Stole From Africa

Our continuing series of multiple-choice quizzes to test your pop-culture knowledge.

What is Madonna's newly adopted son thinking in this photo?

a. “You know, there’s a whole country of impoverished people back there. Instead of just snatching me up like a third-world souvenir for your petty game of Humanitarian Chicken with Angelina Jolie, you could, I don’t know, help out a lot more people. Maybe build some roads or a nice school? No? Okay, I’m good.”

b. “Wow, I thought I had it bad, but my new stepbrother is actually named Rocco. Jesus, that's tough.”

c. “Okay, but what was it about me specifically that you fell in love with? Was it my smile? Did I have the least amount of vultures circling overhead? Was it the way I sang ‘Mr. Bojangles?’ C’mon, lady, there has to be something.”

d. “The brown-haired girl who keeps smelling my head is really starting to piss me off. I’m not a new car, Bitch! Wait… how do I know what a new car smells like? Wait… what the fuck is a car?”

e. “This isn’t so bad, even if I do have to live with the creepy Jewish lady with fake yellow hair.”

Correct Answer: D

1 comment:

Scrap Heap Pete said...: What about F) "If I have to be a part of this friggin' "I'm Still Relevant, Love Me!!" concert tour, I'm going to shit myself. Again."; 2:11 PM

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A History Of Trash

Trash, at first, was a pretty cool guy. You know, he’d come over with some beers, and you’d hang out and have a couple of laughs. Maybe Trash brought some weed with him, and you guys tried to sync up Dark Side Of The Moon with The Wizard Of Oz until you remembered you lost your VHS copy of that movie sometime in college and that you fucking hate Pink Floyd. Good times were had, nonetheless.

But then, you don’t know what changed, but Trash started to overstay his welcome. He’d just linger for hours, never taking the hint you wanted him to leave, no matter how many times you yawned obnoxiously or mentioned how early you had to get up tomorrow. Trash just didn’t get it. You were getting older. You didn’t have the time anymore to stay up until 3 a.m. to talk about the Port season of “The Wire” or how much you miss Jawbox. Eventually, you just stopped taking Trash’s phone calls and no longer replied to his group e-mails about sneaking into abandoned mental hospitals.

Last time you saw Trash, he was smoking alone outside a local dive bar, looking down at his decaying and mismatched shoes. You hoped he had been doing well. You hoped he had not been hurt by the disintegration of your friendship. And if he had, you wanted to comfort him. You wanted to tell him that even though people move on with their lives, it doesn’t mean they stop caring. You wanted him to see in your eyes a sincere appreciation for the time you shared, because all the relationships in our lives help make us who we are, and even if you weren’t the best of friends anymore, you wanted him to know that there would always be a piece of Trash in your heart.

But instead, you looked away and crossed the street. You were with your new girlfriend, and you really didn’t want to have to explain Trash to her. She’d never understand.