Live-Blogging the State of the Union Address

Our first foray into real-time insult lobbing finds us watching President Bush’s second to last State of the Union Address. We’ll be here all night to ridicule his oratorical style, laugh cynically as he ignores facts and common sense, and to correct the many liberties he tends to take with history. So sit back, keep hitting the Refresh button every ten minutes or so (or just come back when the speech is over), and enjoy the ride.

(Yeah, this segment was supposed to be called “Liveblogging The End of The World,” but in the three days since I came up with that title, I’ve grown to dislike it. Also, depending if this segment yields humorous or interesting results, this may be our last live-blog.)

“He shall from time to time give to Congress information of the State of the Union and recommend to their consideration such measures as he shall judge necessary and expedient." — Article II, Section 3, United States Constitution

9:02 p.m. — All right, let’s get political, people.

I love when news people have to stall and talk about nothing to fill time. Campbell Brown is saying, "You might be surprised by how much applause the President will receive."

Yes, I might be. I also might be surprised by Barak Obama's complete lack of body hair.

9:08 p.m. — Blogger's being uncooperative right now and not allowing updates. Scrap Heap is in full conspriacy-mode right now.

The President just walked in. Pelosi's introducing him. A second round of cheers. blah blah

9:12 p.m. — President is super-cool with his opening line, saying how proud he is to be the first President to begin his speech by saying, “Madam Speaker.” That was actually cool. Does that make me a Republican now? Oh, I’m so disoriented. I hope he starts fucking up.

9:18 p.m. — The President’s first economic priority for this congress is to balance the budget, BUT to do so without raising taxes. Mr. President, with all due respect, you are clearly bat-shit crazy. You’ve got a hundred billion dollar war that has no end in sight, and you’re going to balance the budget—which went belly-up, I’ll remind you, when you cut the richest one percent of this country’s tax burden. This is just crazy talk.

9:24 p.m. — Hillary’s sitting right behind Obama, just searing a hole into the back of his head with her laser-hate eye rays.

9:25 p.m. — He pronounces the phrase “in-for-mation tech-nol-ogy” like it’s spelled out phonetically on his prompter.

9:31 p.m. — Okay, there’s no way you can “increase domestic oil production, while being environmentally sensitive.” Finding oil takes drilling, and drilling may be the least environmentally friendly thing ever.

9:39 p.m. — Standing ovation after the thousandth reiteration of “we have to kill terrorists” blah blah. He’s how it goes: First the President says “kill terrorists,” but then what he does is, he picks a war with a country that, while not very fond of us, was doing nothing to us, removing their dictator, and opening the door to a civil war. See? They’re not the same thing! Kill the terrorists and starting a war in Iraq are opposites! Anyone? Hello?
Anyone?

9:47 p.m. — “I reached this decision [the 20,000 more troops], because I believe it’s the best course for victory in Iraq.” Really? It’s just such a struggle for me to actually believe that he looks at all the facts, takes in all the perspectives, and comes to this conclusion. It’s quite baffling.

9:54 p.m. — The President's plan for Darfur: NATO needs to get the hell over there already. Great. Way to strike the humanitarian chord without committing to anything. That gets a standing ovation? This joint session has entirely lost its marbles.

9:56 p.m. — My favorite part: where the President introduces his “guests of honor.” This is awesome.

First up: “Dikembe Mutumbo is from… Africa” Wait, what the fuck? No shit, he’s right! Dikembe just got a standing O for being from Africa.

Holy shit, his next special guest is the “Baby Einstein” founder. Huh? She’s looks a little Stepford-like. Next is the “Subway Hero” from a couple weeks ago. Big ups to the subway guy for kissing his finger and pointing around the chamber, like all the congressmen are his boys. Very great.

10:02 p.m. — Address is over. That was quick. It's almost like if he runs out of the chamber quick enough, the speech will have never happened...

UPDATE - Please disregard the picture below. I'm trying to test something.