Movie Reviews! *

In an effort to keep up with SHP's recent color redesign (I love the green of the post headings; not so much with the red of the contributor names. And can we finally get rid of the names of the non-contributing contributors? I mean, I know one of them is related to you by marriage, but you should at least have to write something to get on the masthead, right? I think I just misused the word "masthead"), I thought I'd add a regular feature to discuss recent movies I've seen. These won't just be new releases in the theatre, but things I saw on TV, or rented on iTunes, or whatever.

This is really just an excuse to regularly write about something. If you haven't seen these movies and you care about things being spoilered, then this isn't so much a warning as it is a big middle finger to you. Rosebud was his childhood sled. And off we go...

Where the Wild Things Are - Walking out of the theatre, I loved this movie enthusiastically. The more I think about it, I'm not so much in love with all of it. The first 10 minutes make the main character seem like a pretty big dick, then he runs away from home. Then the monsters are awesome and all the time they're on screen, it's the best movie maybe ever. Then the kid goes back home and his mom is so relieved he's not dead or something that she forgets that he bit her because she had a date. He should've at least gotten his arm ripped off and replaced with a tree branch for that shit.

Big Fan - Patton Oswalt being scary instead of funny, and it works. Really good movie with lots of tasteful Scorsese nods. Directed by Robert Siegel, who wrote The Wrestler, which I also recently saw, and which is also really good. I'd pretty much given up on the films of Darren Aronofsky because they're uniformly terrible (Pi would've been great as a 10-minute short, but it was an hour and a half; Requiem For a Dream was a clusterfuck of anti-drug clichés; and fuck you, Darren Aronofsky, for making The Fountain; just fuuuck you), but with The Wrestler, he stays mostly out of the way and lets Mickey Rourke own it.

24 Hour Party People - I saw this for the first time maybe six months ago, and I've watched it 10 times since then. Steve Coogan is the best in this movie. I love the breaking-the-fourth-wall shit and all the times his character gets all meta-story. And when a reporter dogs him about the Nazi connection to the band name Joy Division, and he goes into his "Have you never heard of situationalism or post-modernism? Have you no idea of the free play of signs and signifiers?" bit, I get half a boner. Then when he talks to God and God looks just like him, I get a full boner. It's fucking great.

The Invention of Lying - As I walked into the theatre for this movie, I joked to a friend, "This could be amazing; I just hope it doesn't turn into a romantic comedy." Then it turned into a romantic comedy. It's still super funny and it's fun to see all the big stars doing cameos, but it's basically about winning the heart of Jennifer Garner. Awesome, especially the invention of heaven part, but coulda been awesomer.

Panic Room - Saw this again on iTunes because it was a 99-cent Movie of the Week, and it's still my least favorite Fincher movie, but it's totally watchable. A lot of weird choices to this movie. Jared Leto in cornrows? The whole blue-flame gas explosion, which looks incredible, but still, huh? There's also some race/class thing happening, because it's set in the super-rich and white Upper West Side, and the only black character (Forest Whitaker) is a bad guy, but also a bad guy with a heart, ya know? Then he helps a super-young Kristen Stewart, saves the family, and goes to jail anyway. Subtle commentary on race and class in the post-Guiliani New York? Probably not.

Twilight: New Moon - I'm not going to make some lame, worn-out joke about this being a movie for tween girls, even though it is, but there's nothing really wrong with that, so whatever. I just want to say that I could not be more bored with vampire shit. Whether it's Twilight, "True Blood", or that other hunk of shit I'm thinking about, I don't care. Couldn't care any less. I'd rather watch a movie about an old lady making a pot of tea. You're immortal, but sexy, I get it. You're a sexual and existential metaphor, here's a cookie. Also, your house is located on Yawnsville Lane in Nappytime, B'Oregon. Make vampires stop!

ASSSSCAT! Renegade Improv Comedy - The funniest thing that was ever created by man is filmed and released on DVD. Watch this repeatedly. Words can't convey. Good. Laugh. Lots.

Saw VI - Have you ever wondered why they keep making this stupid movie? Let's do the math: the first Saw cost $1.2 million to make and earned about $100 million in worldwide box office; Saw II cost $4 million and made $150 million; Saw III cost 10 and made 130; IV and V each cost around 10 and each made more than 100; and Saw VI has already recouped its investment after a week in theatres. I'm no mathemaperson, but I think all that adds up to the Saw producers swimming in gold pools filled with caviar water on the deck of their massive rocket-yachts. It also means that even if they never make another penny for the rest of their lives, they can still afford to make about 200 more Saw movies. So as we like to say in the biz, "Get used to it, Hitler!"

So, until next time, get your hand out of my popcorn and get it into my pants! **


* Doesn't actually mean I'll watch all the movies written about. I reserve the right to write about any movie I can think of good jokes for.

** Terrible attempt at a Siskel & Ebert-style sign-off line. I'll do better next time, America.