What Are We Gonna Do With All This Trash?: Fresh from the 'WTF Files'

June 15, 2010

Fresh from the 'WTF Files'

Burger King is Almost Out of Ribs - Recently, Burger King added actual bone-in pork ribs to their menu (see pic above--Mmmm..so appetizing..I can almost feel the food-borne illness just thinking about them..), and lo and behold, those things are selling like hotcakes! So much so, that they apparently can't keep up with demand. I guess I shouldn't be too surprised by this, given the popularity of McDonald's McRib sandwich in the past--which may or may not have been actual pork, and was notorious for only being shaped like bone-in pork ribs. Man, I can't believe I actually ate that shit, I was such a dumb kid.

'Little Girl and the Sea' Girl Slated for Inspirational Reality Show and Maybe a Book Hey Sure Why Not - I'm sorry, but this whole thing stinks of that ill-fated balloon boy fiasco from last year. I mean, why oh why would you let a 16 year old try to sail around the world solo? If I ever have a 16 year old daughter, I can tell you straight up she will only be allowed to travel in a three mile radius around our house. And rich people are always finding new ways to put themselves in harm's way--at least my middle-class status prevents me from ever being lost at sea on my own private yacht or falling off a horse during an equestrian event and breaking my neck. Hooray median income!

South Carolina Democratic Senatorial Candidate Alvin Greene - Hmm.. I'm not sure what to make of this guy, but he kinda reminds me of Bubba from Forrest Gump. Now I know that finding a Democrat in South Carolina is like finding water in the desert, and that you don't have to be particularly eloquent to be a potential (or actual) senator/congress person (Republican who suggested lining the U.S.-Mexican border with landmines, I'm looking at you), but there is something just really strange about this whole situation. I mean, what do we have here--what is the most likely explanation? A glitch in the voting machines? An attempt by SC Republicans to disgrace the Democratic party? Voter apathy? The rule of primacy (Greene's name was listed first on the ballot)? As if there weren't enough things about South Carolina to make you scratch your head...

Glenn Beck Hates the World Cup - which is reason enough for all civil-minded individuals to love the shit out of it. I'm guessing Mr. Beck doesn't like it because of all the foreigners and because all of the announcers use the Queen's English--traitorous bastards!

Tighty-Whitey Boy - some 10 year old with enablers for parents broke a "world record" for donning 215 pairs of underwear. Why are there records for the most ridiculous bullshit? Was the former record holder who could only manage to put on 207 pairs of Hanes on hand to witness this feat of human endurance? God, I hope not.

Alright, I gotta run, I'm trying to break the world record for creating the largest tree house made entirely out of Burger King's pork ribs.

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A History Of Trash

Trash, at first, was a pretty cool guy. You know, he’d come over with some beers, and you’d hang out and have a couple of laughs. Maybe Trash brought some weed with him, and you guys tried to sync up Dark Side Of The Moon with The Wizard Of Oz until you remembered you lost your VHS copy of that movie sometime in college and that you fucking hate Pink Floyd. Good times were had, nonetheless.

But then, you don’t know what changed, but Trash started to overstay his welcome. He’d just linger for hours, never taking the hint you wanted him to leave, no matter how many times you yawned obnoxiously or mentioned how early you had to get up tomorrow. Trash just didn’t get it. You were getting older. You didn’t have the time anymore to stay up until 3 a.m. to talk about the Port season of “The Wire” or how much you miss Jawbox. Eventually, you just stopped taking Trash’s phone calls and no longer replied to his group e-mails about sneaking into abandoned mental hospitals.

Last time you saw Trash, he was smoking alone outside a local dive bar, looking down at his decaying and mismatched shoes. You hoped he had been doing well. You hoped he had not been hurt by the disintegration of your friendship. And if he had, you wanted to comfort him. You wanted to tell him that even though people move on with their lives, it doesn’t mean they stop caring. You wanted him to see in your eyes a sincere appreciation for the time you shared, because all the relationships in our lives help make us who we are, and even if you weren’t the best of friends anymore, you wanted him to know that there would always be a piece of Trash in your heart.

But instead, you looked away and crossed the street. You were with your new girlfriend, and you really didn’t want to have to explain Trash to her. She’d never understand.