Dear God, Hollywood Has Run Out of Ideas: Why Devastator Shouldn’t Have Balls

Actually, the notion that Hollywood has run out of ideas is not entirely true. They seem to be milking the shit out of the 2 or 3 ideas they have left. Perhaps their most horribly insidious plan of current attack is to completely raze, pillage, and defile the landscape of my childhood television-watching experience in order to plant vast forests of money trees. Ordinarily, I’m all for more trees and such—which makes this course of action all the more dastardly!

This practice isn’t necessarily new, as evidenced by the cash-grab movie adaptations of The Flintstones (1994), Scooby Doo (2002) and Josie and the Pussycats (2001) and probably a bunch of others I’m forgetting (Recollection update—Miami Vice & Dukes of Hazzard). But this is ok, not only because they are entirely forgettable and mundane pieces of cinema, but also because they largely stuck with what made these shows popular: Fred Flintstone still has anger-management issues and household appliances that are animals, and Scooby and Shaggy still enjoy marijuana-flavored dog treats while investigating paranormal hoaxes perpetuated by inept criminals (I confess I have no knowledge about the characters in Josie besides the fact they are bad musicians).

Recently, however, I’m getting the impression that the movie industry is increasingly willing to completely bastardize old televised divinities in order to appeal to the wallets of certain demographics (Ed. Note—you’re just now realizing this, how novel!). I mean, this is the 80s we’re talking about; I take this shit personal. I don’t recall ever seeing Hollywood remakes of pre-1980, baby-boom TV staples like Howdy Doody (my dad would be all over that one), Bonanza, Little House on the Prairie, or Hawaii 5-0 (I guess Get Smart and Starsky and Hutch would be some exceptions).


In my convoluted thought process, all of this somehow brings us to anatomically correct (incorrect?) alien robots. Are you fucking kidding me?!? No really…seriously?? You’re going to put testes on a damn evil alien robot? Is there robotic sperm in robotic nuts? Ack. I went back to the old cartoon series on DVD and I scoured every last frame for any hint of male genitalia on robots—but I think I would have had an easier time finding dick and balls at the old neighborhood nunnery.

I know the depths of Michael Bay’s depravity know no bounds, but this is the type of low-brow gag I would expect from a Gobots movie or similar knock-off. Yes, there was robot urination in the first Transformers, which is completely ridiculous and obviously part of a disturbing, ongoing trend. And it’s also hard to view the current Transformers movies as anything more than one-and-a-half hour car commercials with Megan Fox constantly and seductively bent over (don’t even get me started on the jive-talking robots who don’t read well)—I can almost, but not really, forgive all of this, but nuts are a whole other ballpark. “Constructicons merge to form.. DEVASTATOR!!” doesn’t quite have the same ring when there’s fucking wrecking-ball gonads dangling from his steel crotch. Am I supposed to believe that the aliens that designed and created this technology were intergalactic frat boys or something (if so, then where is his big Johnson)? At least have the decency to put on a codpiece or a jockstrap or something. Alas, I guess there’s no room for modesty on Cybertron with all of the steel nuts flying all over the place. And how much money does it cost to add CGI testicles to a robot, I wonder? 10K? 50K? More? Maybe they had to slash the robot genital budget and that’s the reason they had to cut off Devastator’s penis.

My apologies, but I’m not done yet. I have saved some of my good-natured, jovial hatred for Land of the Lost as well. The TV show was known for its creepy, bizarro-world feel, backyard special effects, and trippy, Lost-esque storylines (apparently there’s some talk that the episode “Circles” has a lot of parallels and similar plot devices to those seen in Lost). And as you may know, the 3 main characters were a brother, a sister, and their scientist father. But in the movie, this part of the narrative is changed—the 3 main characters are not related at all, which only serves as a vehicle for a running “uninvited boob grab” joke. HAHAHA! I get it! It’s so funny because it’s sexual harassment! Reason #4080 I’m glad I’m not female member of society (sorry ladies, I don’t know how you do it).

In conclusion, back when I was an 18-30 year old white male, I was (more) fine with robotic genitals (where you could find them—trust me, it wasn’t easy), booby molestation, hashed and rehashed plots, and vapid storylines in movie adaptations that bear little or no resemblance to their source material. But now that I’m in an older, wiser, and crankier demographic, I fully expect Hollywood to knock this bullshit off. Because I’m not buying it (except in rare, WAWGDWATT-sanctioned circumstances).

Ok, I’m done now; noxious gasses have been vented….. Aw shit! GI Joe, Thundercats (Del Toro could probably make a kick-ass Thundercats movie but I don’t think that’s happening), and The A-Team coming soon? Assholes! God help me, Hollywood, you so much as lay a finger on the Silverhawks or Jem or Misfits of Science and there will be Hell to pay!!


In the meantime everyone, be on the lookout for homicidal teabagging robots and grabby humanoid-ape creatures named Cha-Ka.

Having A Talk

A tragedy in one act.

Lights come up on the exterior of a small brick rowhouse, a charming city dwelling on a busy city block. Serious looking men and women walk quickly by the house, all with the fast gait of city people, all determined to a) get to their destination and b) ignore everything around them -- they all have iPod ear buds in their ears.

After a while, a tall man in a drab suit exits the row house. He is an older man, distinguished in his retro fashion and silver mane. He stands on his front stoop, surveying his surroundings, seeing what kind of day it is. He squints toward the cloudless sky. He smiles with his eyes closed, letting the bright rays of the sun warm his face.

He opens his eyes, turns to lock his front door, and heads down the stoop stairs toward the sidewalk. With a bright grin to meet the day, he steps onto the sidewalk, but immediately stops, feeling something under his foot.

He looks down and sees that he has stepped in dog poop. He angrily looks toward the sky.

Tall Man
Really? Dog poop? That's what you have
for me, Lord? What have I done to
deserve this kind of treatment? I attend
church every Sunday, I volunteer to read
the TV Guide to fat children, I give fifteen
percent of my income to the local soup kitchen,
and I'm a good and decent person. Why, God, oh why
do you treat me so poorly? What could be a
worse predicament than this, stuck here, with
animal feces attached to my favorite pair of loafers?
I'll tell you: there is no worse predicament; it was
a trick question! Well, not a trick, per se. It was more
of rhetorical device I deployed, asking a question
I already had an answer to. But you probably knew
that already, Lord. But, you know, now that I think
about it, sure, there are scores of situations that
are worse than having poop on your shoe, but God,
it's pretty fucking annoying. Now, Lord, I'll have to
go back inside and change into a different pair of
loafers, which will not only make me late for my
appointment, it will disrupt the perfect color harmony
I had with this outfit. See, Lord, this is my only pair
of loafers this particular shade of brown, which happens
to go perfectly with my current attire. Now, if I change
shoes, it won't look nearly as smart, then the wife
will start with that "Are you wearing those shoes
with that suit?" and I really don't want to get into it
with her today, Lord. I mean, she can really work
my nerves. That shrill voice and the neverending
sense of superiority. Christ, I wonder kind of pill a
person has to take to think they're so goddamn
infallible. But she's a good lady, Lord. She's been good
enough to put up with me all these years.
(pauses)
Well, I guess I've taken up enough of your time, God.
And I know there's a point to everything that you do,
but if you wouldn't mind, can you explain to me, just
this one time, how me stepping in a dog's excrement
fits into my big picture? Will it somehow help me
along my path? Is it a sign? Is it supposed to symbolize
something? What does this mean for me, Lord?

The man looks up at the sky, waiting, but God does not answer him. Dejected, he slowly walks back up the steps toward his house.

Exeunt.

1997 Ain't Havin' Any Of This Shit

This is actually a really fun way to spend my work day.

1997
Björk – Telegram
Daft Punk – Homework
Spoon – Soft Effects EP
Built to Spill – Perfect From Now On
Blur – Blur
Pavement – Brighten the Corners
Elliott Smith – Either/Or
The Dismemberment Plan – The Dismemberment Plan is Terrified
The Notorious B.I.G. – Life After Death
The Sea & Cake – The Fawn
Sleater-Kinney – Dig Me Out
Supergrass – In It For The Money
Yo La Tengo – I Can Hear the Heart Beating as One
Guided By Voices – Mag Earwhig!
Radiohead – OK Computer
Company Flow – Funcrusher Plus
Godspeed You Black Emperor! – F#A#∞
Björk – Homogenic
Stereolab – Dots and Loops
The Apples in Stereo – Tone Soul Evolution
Portishead – Portishead
Aphex Twin – Come To Daddy
Will Oldham – Joya
The Flaming Lips – Zaireeka (a record that comes on four discs that must be played simultaneously)
Roni Size & Reprazent – New Forms
Jay-Z – In My Lifetime, Vol. 1
Modest Mouse – The Lonesome Crowded West
Flake Music – When You Land Here, It’s Time to Return (band later renamed The Shins)

That’s a sick list. 1997, you have made your point.

In Defense of 1991 (And a Grizzly Bear Retraction)

First things last: it should be noted that my previous post praising Grizzly Bear's Veckatimest was based entirely on hearing just two songs, "Two Weeks" and "While You Wait For The Others." They are two incredible songs that should be taught to school children for the next half century, and I expected the rest of the record to follow suit. But the rest of the record sucks. Sucks hard. It's all dissonant space and cloudy atmospherics. It's the sound of a band that's afraid to be the kickass pop band the aforementioned songs suggest they could be, so they pile on the haze and arrange their songs to be as obtuse and inaccesible as possible. You know how Yankee Hotel Foxtrot was Wilco trying really hard to be important, to be Radiohead. That's what Veckatimest is like, and it's no fun to listen to.

On to the real subject at hand: 1988? You're kidding me, Petey. I'll put up 1991 in a steel cage match against 1988 any ole' day of the week. Let's go to the tale of the tape, shall we:

1991
Gang Starr - Step in the Arena
Spacemen 3 - Recurring
Morrissey - Kill Uncle
R.E.M. - Out of Time (a.k.a. the record that made R.E.M. megastars)
Bob Dylan's "Bootleg" series
Slint - Spiderland
Boyz II Men - cooleyhighharmony
De La Soul - De La Soul is Dead
Smashing Pumpkins - Gish
Mercury Rev's debut record
Fugazi - Steady Diet of Nothing (my least favorite of theirs, but still)
Massive Attack - Blue Lines
Blur - Leisure
Pearl Jam - Ten
Pixies - Trompe le Monde
Nirvana - Nevermind
A Tribe Called Quest - The Low End Theory
Public Enemy - The Enemy Strikes Black
Soundgarden - Badmotorfinger
My Bloody Valentine - Loveless
U2 - Achtung Baby

And that's not even mentioning all the Top 40 shit that came out in 1991, like Jesus Jones, EMF, Garth Brooks, or that Guns N' Roses double record bullshit, or Metallica's and Red Hot Chilli Peppers' biggest records.

And what do we have for 1988:
Biz Markie - Goin' Off
Bobby McFerrin - Simple Pleasures (the record that launched a thousand middle school talent contestants)
Tracy Chapman - the one with "Fast Car" on it
Ted Nugent - If You Can't Lick 'Em... Lick 'Em (classic Nuge!)
Stacey Q - Hard Machine (you're getting colder)
Morrissey - Viva Hate (okay, I'll give you this one)
Pixies - Surfer Rosa (yeah, well, you get this one, too)
Talking Heads - Naked (meh... )
The Sugarcubes - Life's Too Good (another point in your favor)
The Jesus and Mary Chain - Barbed Wire Kisses (wow, this year's getting pretty good)
Living Colour - Vivid
Public Enemy - It Takes A Nation of Millions to Hold Us Back
Eric B & Rakim - Follow the Leader
N.W.A. - Straight Outta Compton
Jane's Addiction - Nothing's Shocking
The Go-Betweens - 16 Lovers Lane
Siouxsie & the Banshees - Peepshow
Ultramagnetic MCs - Critical Beatdown (okay, for hip-hop, I'll concede, but as far as indie rock or post-punk, I'm pretty sure 1991 still takes the day)
Sonic Youth - Daydream Nation (motherfucker!)
R.E.M. - Green
Happy Mondays - Bummed (really? goddamit!)
My Bloody Valentine - Isn't Anything
Bad Brains - Live
Galaxie 500 - Today

Okay, I think the only thing I've proven is that both of those years were pretty kickass. So maybe this year has a lot farther to go before it gets to the top than I thought. Oh well, it won't be the last time I'm wrong.

Don't You Mean, "Suck It 1988"...

...which was obviously, and quite objectively, the best year in recorded music. Anyway, since I can't back that statement up in any way-shape-form, and while I'm waiting for Mr. Mike to officially take back his claims about the new Grizzly Bear, I'll distract our millions of loyal readers with a sampling of music that is currently awesome (to me):

"Daily Routine (Phaseone remix)" - Animal Collective

'Daily Routine' is one of my favorites from Merriweather Post Pavillion, but is this better than the original?? Definitely close--not a huge departure from the original except with slight nuances: prominent hand claps, the 'yeah...yeah' sample in between verses 1 & 2, and a different bass line. It's more hip-hoppy, if you will--and I mean that in the most hardcore way possible. I like how Phaseone takes the percussion all the way through the outro like a good, structured pop song should (unlike the original).


"Daniel" - Bat For Lashes

Take the bass line from my favorite Cure song ('A Forest'), slow it down a bit, and then add earnest love song lyrics dedicated to the titular character from a childhood cinema classic ("The Karate Kid") and well, I love it anyway.


"The Things That Hate Us" - Atmosphere

Get it for free here (legally, the whole frickin' album--but the aforementioned song is best). Just a little jab about existence in the good ol' US of A. Technically, this came out at the end of December '08, but oh well.
Sample lyrics:
"Strip clubs, gun shops, Oh Jesus/
right next to the liquor store for your convenience/"
&
"America the beautiful/
that's how she played us/
wasn't that cute/
it must've been her make-up/"


"Reality Check (aka Reality TV) feat. Black Thought" - J Dilla Jay Stay Paid

J Dilla aka JayDee (R.I.P.) was (and still is) the golden child of hip-hop producers circa 1990s-2000s (think 9th Wonder with a bit more tenure/longevity) who wasn't afraid to bridge the gap between the underground and mainstream--DOOM to De La Soul to Mary J. Blige. This song features the Roots' front man in a biting anti-reality TV diatribe (there really needs to be more of this--I would definitely buy stock in reality TV backlash).


The Ecstatic - Mos Def > see especially "Quiet Dog Bite Hard"

Ok, so it may not be a great album all the way through or as good as his earlier work, but it still is a pleasant surprise considering the previews I've seen for Next Day Air. And in the realm of rappers turned actors, I think Mos Def currently resides on the top of the mountain.


Still Night, Still Light - Au Revoir Simone

I'm still forming my thoughts about this album, but I'll tentatively say that I like it better than their first two. It definitely has a darker, more somber feel than the last album (The Bird of Music). Every now and then I wish one of these ladies would put down the keyboard and pick up a guitar...

The Year That Chamber Pop Broke

This year has been seriously sick, music-wise. Aside from the records we gushed over a few months back (including Animal Collective's game-changing Merriweather Post Pavillion), the stream of consistently awesome records continues seemingly unabated.

Add to our previous list of greatness: Madeline's White Flag and Grizzly Bear's Veckatimest, the latter of which contains "Two Weeks," a song currently battling Animal Collective's "My Girls" for Song of the Year honors, and which also has a pretty fantastic video.



I'm calling it now -- 2009: Best Year for Music, Ever.

Suck on that, 1991!