Fergie Ferg Channels Hip-Hop's Greatest On "The Dutchess"

That's what I might be saying if I was blinder and deafer than Helen Keller. Unfortunately, this is not the case. I recently came across a review of Miss Fergie's "The Dutchess" in the Washington Post which highlighted some of the album's more... how shall I say... sucky lyrics.

Let's examine:
(Disclaimer: I have not listened to this album, even though there is a Ludacris cameo [Oh man, I love me some Ludacris]. Perhaps if I did listen, I too would be dancing like a ho and maybe my London Bridge would also wanna go down. Sadly, that can't be allowed to happen.)

From "Glamorous"
"we flying the first class/ Up in the sky Poppin’ champagne/ Livin’ the life in the fast lane/ And I won't change/ For the glamorous, oh the flossy flossy"

"still go to Taco Bell/ drive-thru/ raw as Hell/ I don't care, I'm still real/"

It's fascinating how some celebrities, after attaining a certain amount of fame and popularity, have to stress the notion that money hasn't changed them, they're still the same, I've paid my dues, I'm a commoner just like the rest of you peons, I'm as real as ever, I'm Jenny from the block, etc. However, money indeed changes everything. I thought that was the whole point of pursuing fame.

Note the irony: consuming fake meat at Taco Bell makes one more real.

From "Fergalicious"
"Four, Tres, Two, Uno/"

Um...did she not know the Spanish words for 'four' and 'two'?

"My body stay vicious/ I be up in the gym/ just working on my fitness/"

Tee hee. This one just makes me giggle.

From "Pedestal"
Record sales are on the mark/ Cuz thats about the time the rumors start/ Where all the people talking out their ass/ Well, someone gotta school ya cause ya got no class/ Well I've paid my dues/ I'm a seasoned dame/ So why you gotta throw salt in my game/ You hide behind the computer screen/ so that you dont have to be seen/ How could a person be so mean"

Wow. Either she's clairvoyant and knew I'd be busting on her via the Internet or she's making a pre-emptive strike against all people who might and will give her shit for making this album. FYI, I'm being mean because your music makes me want to throw furniture.

From "Here I Come"
"I represent los angeles city/ Hacienda Heights is the vicinity/ old school homies still rollin with me/ money don't change me/

From "London Bridge"
"When I come to the club, step aside/ Part the seas, don’t be havin' me in the line/ V.I.P., ‘cause you know I gotta shine/ I’m Fergie Ferg, and me love you long time/"

Wait back it up, easy back it up, Fergie. In other poorly written songs of yours, you claim that you hadn't changed for the glamorous, that money doesn't change you, that you eat at Taco Bell and that you're still the same. Now all of a sudden you don't have to wait in line at clubs cuz you're a V.I.P.? Tsk Tsk.

All that Fergie bashing being said, I really have nothing against her. I don't claim to know her on any level whatsoever. I'm sure she's an upstanding citizen. She just happens to be one example of a much larger problem plaguing this nation: commercial hip-hop.

At least she can always take solace in the fact that she is a very pretty lady. From the neck down.