State Of The T.V. Address

To all of my beloved fellow Americans,

My T.V. isn't working. Now I know a lot of you are thinking that there are much bigger issues out there that are way more important than Scrap Heap's T.V. reception such as poverty, disease, pollution, war and the like. Look, I'm not asking you to cry for me, Argentina (as for the rest of the world, I'm awaiting 'Get Well Soon' cards), but for all I know, these things aren't even problems anymore because my T.V. isn't telling me that they are.

Let me lay it all out for you.

Over the past week, I moved into a brand new building. It's maybe several months old. Prior to move in, our property manager provided us with a list of contacts to call to arrange for services to be hooked up (electricity, water, phone lines, cable TV, internet). Everything was a-ok until I got to the last number on the list: Comcast. The sales representative at Comcast informed me that it would be several weeks before technicians actually ran the cable lines to the building despite no obstacles or barricades preventing them from doing so (Now that's fucking Comcastic!). The prospect of no T.V. and no internet for several weeks was a bleak one at best, so I gathered my thoughts and headed out to RadioShack to purchase an old-fashioned T.V. antenna. I figured at least I could get the network T.V. stations. I asked the RadioShack employee to point me to the antennas and he promptly tries to sell me knock-off iPod accessories and Sprint cell phones. I had to drop a koan on his ass to distract him ("How many RadioShack employees does it take to sell you a battery?") and I was soon on my way with a VHF/UHF antenna. Despite technological advances in practically every facet of life over the past twenty years, T.V. antennas have apparently devolved. You still have the 'rabbit ears' for the UHF signal and the extendable antennas for the VHF signal that can be wildly splayed in any direction like the legs of a $50 prostitute. The problem is that these things just don't work anymore.

I can now watch about 4 channels (3 in English) in excruciating LFD (Low Fucking Definition) TV. Remember the blurred porn that used to come on after midnight on Channel 95? That shit's like '1080p' to me right now. The only station that comes in clear is "The New CW". Alarmingly, its entire daytime lineup consists of courtroom dramas. I'm not talking Law & Order, I'm talking Judge Maria Lopez, Judge Mathis, and the People's Court among others. I never thought I'd say it, but I miss Ed Koch ruling his fake courtroom with an iron fist. Even the bailiffs don't have their hearts in it. I used to know 'The New CW's" primetime lineup, but I gave myself a home lobotomy to get rid of the memory.

This whole ordeal has learned me good. While I love to bash pop culture, I realize I cannot live without it. I yearn for it. I need it. I lust for it. Without access to pop culture, I lose my grip on reality. How am I supposed to know what musical instrument Volkswagon is giving away with their cars? How can I make fun of celebrities if I don't even know what they're up to? <Gasp> How am I supposed to watch 'Lost'?

So until motherfuckin' Comcast releases me from this prison,
Fuck All Y'all Dipshits!
I hate everything!