Drag My Naked Body Through The Town Square

Sure, I'm only 32, but it's never too early to get your estate in order. And because I won't pay for a lawyer, I figured posting my will on my blog would make it nice and legal. So, in the case of my demise, I direct my family and friends to this URL for funeral instructions and estate disbursement.

Last Will and Testament

I, Mike Bennett, residing in the town of Takoma Park, Maryland, being of sound mind and deliciously rotund body, do hereby make, publish, and declare this to be my last will and testament and do revoke any and all other wills and codicils heretofore made by me, especially the several written in the late 1990s, of which we shall never speak again.

Funeral

Three days after the date of my death, I direct all living relatives and friends to gather at my apartment and stare and my lifeless body until I rise from the dead. Persons attending must not speak or make any sound during this time, and must only listen to Neutral Milk Hotel's On Avery Island on a constant loop. If I do rise from the dead, as I believe I will, that will mean I am the immortal son of the Lord, and thus nullifies the remainder of this will. All attendees should then run for their lives, because I plan on being a vengeful god, motherfuckers! If, after twelve (12) hours of staring silent at my corpse, I fail to rise from the dead, then I direct my family and friends to perform the following activities:

1) Drag my naked body through the town square, while my brother John repeatedly shouts "Dead guy coming through! Come look at the dead guy!"

2) Lay my body on a bed of tree braches in the middle of the intersection of Carrol Ave. and Flower Ave.

3) Douse me with an entire can of lighter fluid, or if lighter fluid can not easily be procured, three gallons of 93 octane gasoline from my neighborhood Shell station will suffice.

4) Set my ass on fire! All attendees should then light a cigarette with the flames that engulf me, and dance barefoot around the bonfire while chanting "Hey hey, ho ho, your lifeless soul is free to go!"

5) When the fire has swallowed me whole and turned me to ash, I direct my brother Steve to collect my ashes in a large brown paper bag. Steve must keep this bag with him at all times, and during meals with his family, the bag must be given its own place setting and chair and must be included in the conversation.

Estate

Payment of my debts, funeral expenses, and expenses for administration of my estate shall be directed to my surviving family.

My CD collection, iMac, and music equipment should be given to Grace, my niece. She seems to the be the smartest of the bunch.

My clothing and my car should be given to Goodwill.

If my bank account has any money left in it (and I sincerely doubt it will), that money should be withdrawn in cash, taken to the nearest casino and placed entirely on number 6 of the eastern most roulette table. If it wins, let it ride on number 6. Repeat this as many times as necessary until no money remains.

Amen.