January 02, 2011

A Better Me

I always have difficulty trying to pick just one New Year's resolution. There's just so many things to fix! In any event, I've narrowed this year's list of resolutions to these solid finalists.
  • Drink more
  • Speak to my family less
  • Find out what all the fuss is about crystal meth
  • Punch a baby
  • Burn a dictionary in front of a library
  • Fly a plane into Mount Rushmore
  • Text a picture of my dick to Brett Favre
  • Solicit a prostitute -- not for sex, just to become my ballroom dance partner
  • Discover a scientific formula that proves, once and for all, that Kanye West is a terrible rapper
  • Listen to more Pere Ubu
  • Throw a book at an asshole
  • Build a house for a poor family, then move in with them and become a real nuisance
  • Start a book club with morons, so I can secretly mock their intelligence and reading comprehension
  • Stalk a clown
  • Eat an owl

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