Mental Note...

...Lite-Brite...












...equals...











...act of terrorism...

MondaZZZZZZe....

As I and most of my fellow Americans arise from our drunken weekend slumber, I find it hard not to be distracted by the stench coming from the 'sea of suck' that is our cultural enivonment. We've got government, war, healthcare, haves and have-nots, jobs, co-workers, fellow humans, pollution, global warming, traffic jams, global cooling, radio by ClearChannel, reality TV, pharmaceutical companies, WalMart, charlatans, fat-free ice cream, hucksters, and the list goes on and on...
Let's face it, there are a lot of things in this vast sea of suck. It is quite easy to drown in this sea, but we here at WAWGDWATT are here to act as your life preserver, saving you from tidal waves of insert sucky noun here. Consider the following theme as a shrine to people, places, or things that are not a part of this vile sea. Without further ado, we are proud to present the inaugural edition of..............

Something Good #1

Christopher Walken

He is not only one of my favorite actors, but also one of my favorite famous people. No matter how big or small the role, Mr. Walken has a habit of stealing the show: he makes every role he plays the perfect role for him. It turns out that most of these roles are disturbed and deranged characters, but if you need someone to play a disturbed and deranged character to a T, who ya gonna call? Well, it better damn well be Christopher Walken.
He has received plenty of critical acclaim from movies such as The Deer Hunter, The Dead Zone, and Catch Me If You Can. In my estimation, however, he truly perfected his craft in roles such as the best James Bond villain ever (Max Zorin), Vincenzo Coccotti in True Romance, the Headless Horseman in Sleepy Hollow (despite limited head/face-time), and the best exterminator money can buy in Mousehunt (seriously, check it out). In addition to memorable movie parts, you can also find him in places you might not expect. He makes a great SNL host (skits like "The Continental" and "It Needs More Cowbell") and also a fine and nifty dancer (Fatboy Slim's Weapon of Choice video).
And sure, there have been a few potholes in the road that is Christopher Walken's career (Joe Dirt--gasp--Kangaroo Jack--shudder--Gigli--tremble, Christ, was he really in those?) Name one other person in any of those movies who is not worthy of my ire... and yet, Mr. Walken comes through unscathed. Perhaps it is because of his explanation, complements of Wikipedia: "Walken is noted for turning down roles only on very rare occasions. He stated in interviews that he won't turn down roles unless he's simply too busy working on other projects, since he regards each role as a learning experience." Bravo, Chris! All is forgiven!
But I do not love Christopher Walken solely for what he does, but also what he doesn't do. When I am at the grocery store check-out line, my eyes are drawn towards several questionable publications. And what I see is, quite frankly, despicable. But do I ever see Christopher Walken flashing his genitals? Does Christopher Walken flirt with Jessica Biel at Golden Globes after parties? (Geez, Justin Timberlake, you're supposed to respect your elders) Does Christopher Walken have affairs with his personal trainers? Does Christopher Walken hawk car insurance or deodorant in commercials? To my knowledge, the answer to all of these questions is no. Which is why, Sir, you are Something Good.

Live-Blogging the State of the Union Address

Our first foray into real-time insult lobbing finds us watching President Bush’s second to last State of the Union Address. We’ll be here all night to ridicule his oratorical style, laugh cynically as he ignores facts and common sense, and to correct the many liberties he tends to take with history. So sit back, keep hitting the Refresh button every ten minutes or so (or just come back when the speech is over), and enjoy the ride.

(Yeah, this segment was supposed to be called “Liveblogging The End of The World,” but in the three days since I came up with that title, I’ve grown to dislike it. Also, depending if this segment yields humorous or interesting results, this may be our last live-blog.)

“He shall from time to time give to Congress information of the State of the Union and recommend to their consideration such measures as he shall judge necessary and expedient." — Article II, Section 3, United States Constitution

9:02 p.m. — All right, let’s get political, people.

I love when news people have to stall and talk about nothing to fill time. Campbell Brown is saying, "You might be surprised by how much applause the President will receive."

Yes, I might be. I also might be surprised by Barak Obama's complete lack of body hair.

9:08 p.m. — Blogger's being uncooperative right now and not allowing updates. Scrap Heap is in full conspriacy-mode right now.

The President just walked in. Pelosi's introducing him. A second round of cheers. blah blah

9:12 p.m. — President is super-cool with his opening line, saying how proud he is to be the first President to begin his speech by saying, “Madam Speaker.” That was actually cool. Does that make me a Republican now? Oh, I’m so disoriented. I hope he starts fucking up.

9:18 p.m. — The President’s first economic priority for this congress is to balance the budget, BUT to do so without raising taxes. Mr. President, with all due respect, you are clearly bat-shit crazy. You’ve got a hundred billion dollar war that has no end in sight, and you’re going to balance the budget—which went belly-up, I’ll remind you, when you cut the richest one percent of this country’s tax burden. This is just crazy talk.

9:24 p.m. — Hillary’s sitting right behind Obama, just searing a hole into the back of his head with her laser-hate eye rays.

9:25 p.m. — He pronounces the phrase “in-for-mation tech-nol-ogy” like it’s spelled out phonetically on his prompter.

9:31 p.m. — Okay, there’s no way you can “increase domestic oil production, while being environmentally sensitive.” Finding oil takes drilling, and drilling may be the least environmentally friendly thing ever.

9:39 p.m. — Standing ovation after the thousandth reiteration of “we have to kill terrorists” blah blah. He’s how it goes: First the President says “kill terrorists,” but then what he does is, he picks a war with a country that, while not very fond of us, was doing nothing to us, removing their dictator, and opening the door to a civil war. See? They’re not the same thing! Kill the terrorists and starting a war in Iraq are opposites! Anyone? Hello?
Anyone?

9:47 p.m. — “I reached this decision [the 20,000 more troops], because I believe it’s the best course for victory in Iraq.” Really? It’s just such a struggle for me to actually believe that he looks at all the facts, takes in all the perspectives, and comes to this conclusion. It’s quite baffling.

9:54 p.m. — The President's plan for Darfur: NATO needs to get the hell over there already. Great. Way to strike the humanitarian chord without committing to anything. That gets a standing ovation? This joint session has entirely lost its marbles.

9:56 p.m. — My favorite part: where the President introduces his “guests of honor.” This is awesome.

First up: “Dikembe Mutumbo is from… Africa” Wait, what the fuck? No shit, he’s right! Dikembe just got a standing O for being from Africa.

Holy shit, his next special guest is the “Baby Einstein” founder. Huh? She’s looks a little Stepford-like. Next is the “Subway Hero” from a couple weeks ago. Big ups to the subway guy for kissing his finger and pointing around the chamber, like all the congressmen are his boys. Very great.

10:02 p.m. — Address is over. That was quick. It's almost like if he runs out of the chamber quick enough, the speech will have never happened...

UPDATE - Please disregard the picture below. I'm trying to test something.

Coming Soon: Live-Blogging The End Of The World

We here at WAWGDWATT are proud to bring you "Live-Blogging The End Of The World," a new feature appearing soon on this web log where we will take our snarky insults and incredulous rhetorical questions to a live format, commenting on certain media events as they happen. We will focus this feature on events that, as our clever title suggests, have an air of importance or anticipation to them that we intend to mock.

We’ll start next week with President Bush’s seventh State of the Union address.

Stay tuned…

Being The Actors Who Play Donald Trump’s Wife & Kid

Our continuing series of multiple-choice quizzes to test your pop-culture knowledge
What compensation and benefits do the actors who portray Donald Trump’s wife and child receive, according to their lifetime contracts?

a. None. The honor is theirs alone to have Mr. Trump’s magnificence bestowed onto their unworthy shoulders by simply allowing them into his company.

b. Each actor receives five hundred thousand dollars per year for the first six years, a million per thereafter. (The kid has an escape clause at the end of the third year, but Mr. Trump can nullify said clause if a replacement of suitable resemblance cannot be found.)

c. Vacation: Four weeks time off per annum, wherein they are free to do whatever they want without being around Mr. Trump, so long as no other human being sees them. Notice must be given eight weeks in advance for approval.

d. Dental (excluding oral and maxillofacial surgery), Medical (non-emergency, prescription benefit extra), 403(b), and a fifty dollar slot card for the Taj.

Answer: None of the above. Donald Trump is happily married to former model and socialite Melania Knauss, and together they mated through normal, sexual means to produce an adorable, human infant son that they mutually agreed to name Barron William Trump, who will co-star with his father in next year’s edition of the smash-hit television show, The Apprentice: Cancun City Nights.