Here's One...

"Become A Black Republican"

How About We Try This

Perhaps I was tweeny bit harsh by suggesting completely getting rid of the website, and I agree that more creating is better than no creating. But I think if we were actually writing funny/astute cultural commentary, then we wouldn't have gotten bored so quickly. 'Cause all I was doing, until I ran out of anything to write, was making fun of celebrities, which is no fun, no sir, not at all. Plus how many "Why Y'all So Vagina" things can one write before one is simply a parody of one's self. The answer, if anyone cares, is four. Four times.

Anyway, onto the hard part: what do we make of this web log? I just had the brilliant idea to make the blog nothing but one-act plays. Any topic, any genre, any style. What do you think? Here I'll start things off...

Lights come up on a dark and dirty dive bar. The place is empty save for two sad souls sitting next to each other. Each are slouched over their drinks as if their beer mugs were the only thing keeping them off the ground. This is Ed and this is Larry.

Ed and Larry sit silently as a black and white TV bolted up on the wall in the corner shows a baseball game, Yanks versus Sox, the broken and warbled voices of the commentators softly fill the space in the background.

Ed
See that guy?

Larry
Which guy?

Ed (pointing)
That one -- A-Rod.

Larry (not looking)
What about him?

Ed
He's not so great. He ain't better'n me, tell
you that much.

Larry
He's better at playing baseball than you.

Ed
That don't make him better'n me.

Larry
Most folks would disagree with that.

Ed (angry)
Whassat supposed to mean?

Larry
Well, how I figure, if A-Rod were
to get hit by a full semi rig running
full bear and flattened him like a pancake,
lots of people would care. If you got hit
by that same truck, nobody would care.
That makes him better than you.

Ed
Yeah, well... I guess you're right.
But jus' look at him. Sitting there
with that stupid look on his face,
thinking that he's better than me.

Larry (looks up at TV)
No, Ed. He's not thinking he's better
than you. He's thinking about pussy.

Curtain. Lights.

So, whaddya think?

R.I.P. WAWGDWATT???

God, we couldn't come up with funny and astute cultural commentary to last one measly year? What the hell is wrong with us? I'm all about renovating, deconstructing/reconstructing, evolving this thing so that it is not so "lame-ass"; but I wince reading the words "delete" and "get rid of this thing". Granted, some posts were more inspired than others, but God knows I could use more creative outlets, not less. "Trashish has better things to do"? Ouch. That one really hurts.
Oh well, if worst comes to worst, I suppose I can start that canine philosophy blog I've always dreamed of, "What Would Ziggy Do?"

Hey Hey! Ho Ho! This Lame-Ass Blog Has Got To Go

Dear Scrapheap,

I assume that you, and you alone, are the only one left reading this. Trashish has better things to do. Marie Debris probably does, too. It's just you and me, my friend, and between the two of us, we gotta get rid of this thing. I'd be open for suggestions on better/more interesting blog topics, maybe a point-counter point thing, or a discussion on baby photography. Anything has to be better than this. Otherwise, I say we delete this blog and never speak of it again. We're good at that.

Like,

M. Basura

Get Your Masculinity Out Of My Face

First of all, my apologies for letting Miss Paris Hilton taint the top of our blog for so many days. Unfortunately, you all have now contracted a wide array of rare and incurable STDs.

But back to my main point...

I'm afraid that we have reached the limit of what a male dominated society can bring to us. Every day in this country men are expected to conform to this silly, cartoonish notion of uber-masculinity. It's as though men are in constant pursuit of more manliness, but no matter how much you have, there's is always an elusive other with more of it.

The typical man is supposed to be strong, aggressive, detached from emotions, making fun of sissies and/or 'girly men', and sexin' as many hotties as possible. This antiquated stereotype is consistently reinforced by society: men's magazines, popular music, movies, TV, the military, college fraternities, prison, crime families both Italian and otherwise, commercials for body spray/deodorant (TAG, AXE, BOD, RGX, OLD[Spice]...Hmmm... why do they all have 3-letter names?...probably the initials of the industrial chemicals used in their manufacture), body wash (Maintenance for my Mansuit?! I didn't even know I had one!!), and perhaps the greatest offender of all: the beer commercial (Check out Exhibit A , Exhibit B , and Exhibit C). Even this country's foreign policy reflects (or possibly causes) this amped up machismo (See: constant U.S. warfare and recklessness).

Call me crazy, but maybe I want to run the damn vacuum cleaner, or do the dishes, or chat with my wife, or enjoy my favorite type of apple (Pink Lady) , or walk my 7 lb. dog WITHOUT having to wear a helmet due to the falling giant cans of a disgusting swill of a beer. Long story short, masculinity and feminity shouldn't be so rigidly enforced and they're not so easily defined. It's a continuum, people! Duh! And that's okay. I just want dudes to stop acting like such dicks trying to be 'manly'. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go get in touch with my feminine side.

Something Good

From the AP:

"LOS ANGELES - Paris Hilton was sent screaming and crying back to jail Friday after a judge ruled that she must serve out her sentence behind bars rather than in the comfort of her Hollywood Hills home.
“It’s not right!” shouted Hilton, who violated her probation in a reckless driving case. “Mom!” she cried out to her mother.
The 26-year-old hotel heiress was taken handcuffed from her home in a black-and-white police car, paparazzi sprinting in pursuit and helicopters broadcasting live from above. She entered the courtroom disheveled and weeping, hair askew, without makeup, wearing a fuzzy gray sweat shirt over slacks.

She cried throughout the hearing, dabbing her eyes, and her body shook constantly. Several times she turned to her parents, seated behind her in the courtroom, and mouthed, “I love you.” TMZ.com reported that Hilton's family will file an appeal, maybe as soon as Friday afternoon.
...

Back before Sauer on Friday, Hilton’s entire body trembled as the final pitch was made for her further incarceration. She clutched a ball of tissue and tears ran down her face.

Seconds later, the judge announced his decision: “The defendant is remanded to county jail to serve the remainder of her 45-day sentence. This order is forthwith.”
Hilton screamed.
Eight deputies immediately ordered all spectators out of the courtroom. Hilton’s mother, Kathy, threw her arms around her husband, Rick, and sobbed uncontrollably.
Deputies escorted Hilton out of the room, holding each of her arms as she looked back."

Thank you, King of All Cosmos, for this vast amount of glee you have supplied me with today.