Now that we have elected a radical militant Christian Muslim racist socialist communist empty-suited foreign terrorist for president, I started wondering what types of things President-elect Obama might do in his first couple days of office.
Here's what I came up with:
Day 1
Kill all of the white babies
Day 2
Re-enact slavery (of white people; you too, Biden)
Day 3
Force the slaves into gay marriages
Day 4
Take all of the slaves' money and spread it around to the non-slaves
Day 5
Dig up the bodies of all dead white people (except his relatives, that would be offensive)
Day 6
Eat tons of asparagus and pee on the dead white peoples' bones and brain dust
Day 7
Raise taxes
November 08, 2008
November 05, 2008
November 04, 2008
November 03, 2008
Chris Berman is Unacceptable!
During halftime of tonight's Monday Night Football broadcast, Chris Berman -- patron saint of moronic catchphrases, fake hair, and incessant player nicknames that incorportate their last name -- will interview our two presidential candiates, Sens. McCain and Obama. Fuck me.
I can already hear it:
Berman: On my left, Senator Barack "Don't Call Me" Hussien Obama, and on my right, John "I'm So Old That I Require the Use of a" McCain "to Walk With."
Obama: Thank you, Chris. I'd like to also thank Senator McCain for a spirited campaign and...
Berman: Great. So, Senator McCain, isn't it true that you love this country?
McCain: Why yes. I love this country with the white hot heat of a thousand suns.
Berman: Whoa, Senator. That's a lot of hot love.
Obama: Sun metaphors aside, Chris, I think what the American people can expect from...
McCain: Don't vote for a black.
Berman: Rumblin', stumblin', stumpin', banana-fanna-bo-humpin'. (awkward silence from all) Back to Steelers-Skins, tied going into the second half.
See, America. Tonight we all lose.
I can already hear it:
Berman: On my left, Senator Barack "Don't Call Me" Hussien Obama, and on my right, John "I'm So Old That I Require the Use of a" McCain "to Walk With."
Obama: Thank you, Chris. I'd like to also thank Senator McCain for a spirited campaign and...
Berman: Great. So, Senator McCain, isn't it true that you love this country?
McCain: Why yes. I love this country with the white hot heat of a thousand suns.
Berman: Whoa, Senator. That's a lot of hot love.
Obama: Sun metaphors aside, Chris, I think what the American people can expect from...
McCain: Don't vote for a black.
Berman: Rumblin', stumblin', stumpin', banana-fanna-bo-humpin'. (awkward silence from all) Back to Steelers-Skins, tied going into the second half.
See, America. Tonight we all lose.
October 30, 2008
October 29, 2008
Can I Vote Yet?
[sigh]
Only 6 more days (or 7 or 8 depending upon the level of GOP-sponsored voter suppression in your area) until Election Day. This will easily be the most excruciating, painful, nerve-racking, torturous 6 days in recorded history. The level of self-prescribed medication required to keep me (relatively) sane during this entirely asinine political process has been astounding.
The suspense is killing me--are the tracking polls accurate? Will enough young people vote? Will the GOP succeed in stealing another election? Are those who are still claiming to be 'Undecided' (side note: how the fuck are you still undecided?!?!?) really just hiding the fact that they won't vote for a black man? What will happen if Obama loses? By the way, none of these questions are effective sleep aids, in case you were wondering.
[sigh]
I remember the good old days of the 2004 Presidential Election when I wasn't so much voting for a candidate (Kerry) as I was voting against one (Bush). Or even going back to 2000 when I didn't even bother to vote (Gore = meh, plus I always thought Lieberman was a joke--you want to do what with my videogames??). Oh disaffection, why have you abandoned me? What happened to the aloof Scrap Heap Pete I came to rely on for snarky, pessimistic sarcasm? Obama, I love you, man, but why have you made me care so much? To be honest, all this caring is kinda painful.
But after the sweet release of Nov. 4 (depending on the outcome), I may finally be able to get a good night sleep again.
And more importantly, at long last I can go back to not giving two shits about politics and I can focus on what is really important: UFO conspiracies.
Only 6 more days (or 7 or 8 depending upon the level of GOP-sponsored voter suppression in your area) until Election Day. This will easily be the most excruciating, painful, nerve-racking, torturous 6 days in recorded history. The level of self-prescribed medication required to keep me (relatively) sane during this entirely asinine political process has been astounding.
The suspense is killing me--are the tracking polls accurate? Will enough young people vote? Will the GOP succeed in stealing another election? Are those who are still claiming to be 'Undecided' (side note: how the fuck are you still undecided?!?!?) really just hiding the fact that they won't vote for a black man? What will happen if Obama loses? By the way, none of these questions are effective sleep aids, in case you were wondering.
[sigh]
I remember the good old days of the 2004 Presidential Election when I wasn't so much voting for a candidate (Kerry) as I was voting against one (Bush). Or even going back to 2000 when
But after the sweet release of Nov. 4 (depending on the outcome), I may finally be able to get a good night sleep again.
And more importantly, at long last I can go back to not giving two shits about politics and I can focus on what is really important: UFO conspiracies.
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